The Mystery of The Missing Sweatpants

Happy Thanksgiving! I have returned from vacation and December will be a busy month for me blogging.

Columbo, Perry Mason, Jim Rockford and Adrian Monk, were all brilliant in figuring out who did it and explaining the unexplainable.  But, did they ever solve a mystery like this? How does a man lose 33% of his sweatpants at the same time?

The first of my vacation blogs occurred as I was packing to leave. I have six sweatpants, two old ones that I alternate sleeping in because they are thin.  Of the other four, two look very nice and two used to look nice.

The picture below is where my sweatpants go, and one from each group were missing.  I looked all over the house in the normal places and some of the other ones.

I checked the family room twice and the washer and dryer. I checked the bathroom, under the sink and in the bathroom closet, where they have never been. My wife looked in the house and my sweatpants were still missing. Did they run off together? Were they stolen? Did I leave them somewhere?

Arriving in Tennessee the next day on our way to Colorado, I opened the hotel bag we had packed and one of the missing sweatpants was right on top. The second missing pair was right below the first one. Before I started packing seriously, I took a couple things and put them in the hotel bag my wife was making. I completely forgot that I did it and I drove six hundred miles the first day trying to figure out where my sweatpants had gone.

Sometimes something lost is just something misplaced.

MY MOST MEMORABLE RIDER COMMENTS IN NOVEMBER

 This was a very short month for, but still there were some interesting and amusing comments: 

She: "It's one of the scariest things I've ever seen. It was still dark when I was driving and there were about twenty deer gathered in the church parking lot. It was like a deer cult and it looked like they were planning something deadly.'

The guy visiting Charleston from England said, "My pub is older than Charleston, founded in 1674."

I told him that we finally got a TV after five years and he said, "Now you can put music on it and dance with your wife in the kitchen." (She said no)

The four seamen in the British Navy, told me, "We had a successful trip. We confiscated 200 million pounds of cocaine from the cartel." 

The Yankee fan explained, "My dad and grandfather were both Yankee fans but they switched to the Red Sox when the Red Sox lost the World Series to the Cardinals in 1946 and in 1967. In 2004, the Red Sox beat the Cardinals, but I did not switch."

She: "I'm in customer service and I use some of the same skills I used when I was in mental health."

The longshoreman told me he was going to a six day conference. Me: "What do they do for six days?" Him: "They tell you how to stay out of jail and what their expectations are."

I asked the realtor what he does to succeed with this market and he replied, "You have to be the cutest girl at the dance."

The upper-end realtor has a new broker: "You always get your first hundred cards free, but they charged me $400 for them." She showed me the $4 business card and it's not worth it.

I told the two British guys that I thought the five most popular British people are John, Paul, George, Ringo, and Winston Churchill.  He said, "I'd have to put Queen Elizabeth in there and leave Ringo off."

Immediately after her brother's funeral, the woman took an Uber to the airport in Philadelphia.  She said, "The driver was Buddhist and for some reason he recited a prayer, the same prayer that was just said at the funeral.  He had lived in forty different countries and he somehow knew what I needed.  He told me that I was in the living stage and I needed to live."

She was From Denver, Colorado,  and she told me a great Christmas story that she read about in the paper: "A woman was at a gas station and saw a young woman crying in her car with two small children. The young woman said she had just gotten out of a bad relationship and was trying to get back to family in the mid-west but she had no more money.  The older woman took her credit card and filled up the young woman's tank and gave her money to get some food for her kids at McDonalds which was next store.  The young woman asked, 'Are you an angel?' The older woman said, "This time of year they are pretty busy up there, so sometimes angels take the form of humans."

He said, "My real name is Loch, it's Scottish."

He said, "My name is Cuan, it means "Chief of the World."

ABOUT MY MANNEQUIN

She: "I have a mannequin head too, Her name is Karen and my grandmother gave her to me ten years ago. She's on the shelf above my TV."

I told the guy that my mannequin Lily had great hair, much better than mine.  He said, "She looks good, you both do."

ABOUT ME AND MY CAR

After hearing I was on TV, he said, "I'm in the, "Famous Uber."

Flight attendant talking with her husband on the phone in Charlotte: He said to me, "I saw you on TV." She said, "I'm so glad I got you."

She: "This is the most unique and coolest Uber I've ever been in."

She said, "You just don't give a ride, you give an experience."

MY FAVORITE RIDERS IN NOVEMBER

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                

   It was a short month, but here are my favorite riders of the month:                                                

CONFISCATING COCAINE

The four British guys in the British Navy are docked in Charleston Harbor for a few more days and then will be heading home to England.  They told me they had a successful trip, capturing 200 million pounds of cocaine from the cartel.  I asked where they got it from and was told, "I can't tell you that."  The somewhat manager of the crew told me that his bar at home, "Was older than Charleston, founded in 1674."  I had to follow closely what he was saying due to the thick accent and words that don't mean the same thing here. 

They very generously gave me the beautiful bill above with a younger Queen Elizabeth on one side and one of my all-time favorite people in history, Winston Churchill.  I have it hanging in my car with Queen Elizabeth showing and with light behind the bill you can see Churchill right next to Queen Elizabeth.

MORE THAN JUST A GUEST CHEF

What is a guest chef? My passenger is living here in South Carolina, but she's from the Bahamas where she has a fine seafood restaurant.  She's looking to open some kind of restaurant here and is busy doing research.  When I told her there's a lot of competition here, she said, "I love competition."  She told me she has substituted at several restaurants in the area and even cooks meals for some neighbors.  One of her neighbors has her cooking two to three times a week.  She said her neighbor told her, "My cooking sucks. I told my husband that he didn't marry me for my cooking." In addition to cooking and owning a restaurant she is a rap singer and a Music Ambassador for her country.  She's a woman of many talents including a terrific personality.

 SHE HAS A MANNEQUIN HEAD TOO

Three months ago, my passenger Jen Kelly, gave me a female mannequin to display in my museum.(my car)  It has been the gift that keeps on giving. I have talked about "Lily", on most rides, but recently I talked about someone else's mannequin head.  Probably in her mid twenties, she is a server and her mannequin head was given to her ten years ago by her grandmother who was going to Cosmetology school.

Her mannequin's name is Karen and she sits on top of a shelf over her television set.  She cuts and styles her hair and is seriously thinking about going to Cosmetology school.  I did think it was odd that she told me that she burns the "eyelids and eyelashes off" and paints them. Still, we did talk "mannequin", and it was fun.

THE FUTURE WEATHERMAN

When I was in college I was uncertain about what I was going to major in and what I would do for work. There are many college students who are in the same position, but not the college freshman I met down in Charleston.  He has always been fascinated by the weather and at a very early age he knew he was going to be a weatherman.  From Myrtle Beach, as a kid, he got to know the best known weatherman in the city and unofficially started working as an intern.  He has worked as an intern for a numbers of years now and basically does everything his mentor does.  His plan is simple: graduate from college and get a job at the local station where he knows everyone. It's going to happen and I'm certain one day he'll be "training" a young kid to be a weatherman.

Public Speaking Thirty Years Later

Many years ago, one of my full-time jobs was working at The Cittone Institute in Edison, New Jersey.  It was  a business and technical school and I was hired to go to high schools and talk about the careers we had, give out information, and bring home leads of possible future enrollments.  Public speaking is what I did and I gave thousands of talks to high school students.  I also gave some motivational talks at the school I worked for.

This past week, I gave my first two presentations about my book, one in a retirement home and the other to a Rotary Club.  The retirement community had about 25 people and they were an easy group to speak with. The first two people I spoke to before we started were from New York and New Jersey so I knew this would be pretty easy. The staff had set-up some snacks and wine and I spoke for a good 45 minutes. Below is a picture taken and although it looks like I'm selling the chair, I was not.  Half way through I pulled my mannequin, Lily, out of a bag and explained how my passenger gave it to me as a gift.  A few people asked questions and a couple bought books-it was a very nice afternoon.

My second talk was at a restaurant in front of a smaller group of Rotary members in North Myrtle Beach at the Mellow Mushroom restaurant. There were a number of people in the group from the northeast, so I felt right at home. My friend Neal, also an Uber driver, took these two pictures.  The first one was me clowning around before we got started with the yellow mushroom or maybe a peanut, behind me.  It looks like the pizza is coming out of my head.

It was a shorter talk than the first one and I told a couple stories from North Myrtle Beach.  I sold three books and had three people in my car afterwards showing off my museum.  They bought me dinner and I got to hear all the good things they were working on to make things better in the community.  Below is the action shot of me talking with the group and the pizza is still coming out of my head.  I kept Lily in the car for this one, but she will be on a table this Sunday when I do a small book event in North Charleston on Sunday.

Never Got A Cruise?

My friend Larry just wrote a very funny blog post called, "Confessions of a Plate Licker".  In it he talks about all the free meal requests he gets in the mail.  He's actually accepted a number of them and had a good time eating well and listening to financial seminars.  Once, he even pretended to be someone else. He was going to call the blog, "Never Had a Dinner," after the famous comedian Red Buttons, who had this whole routine about people who never got a dinner in history.  Since Larry's wife and my wife never want to go to these free dinner events, we decided to meet in Virginia in the future and he can show me how this is all done.

I have a better idea, Larry.  Have you ever gotten a free cruise? Guess what my wife was invited to? A FREE CRUISE! Take a look below and see the postcard she just received this week.

It's Courtyard by Marriott, so it's not some fly by night hotel.  All we have to do is check out the "Cruise exhibit at the Conference Center and learn how to prevent the rising cost of travel from dictating our future travel plans."  It's probably a two-hour sales pitch, but it does say, "This is not a Timeshare or Real Estate solicitation."

"Tell them Johnny, what are they going to get?"

1. "A five-day cruise and we pick the cruise line."

2. "All meals, snacks and entertainment for two adults."

3. "A two-night Marriott hotel stay."

4. "Promotional round trip airfare is available on select travel dates."

5."And if you're in the first 50 callers, you will also receive a $100.00 dining savings card valid at Red Robin, Chilis, Longhorn Steakhouse and many more."

We would have to pay resort fee, gratuities, and taxes on the trip, but are you kidding me?

Larry, my wife, Monika, doesn't want to go, I think you can pass for a Monika.  Get down here to Myrtle Beach and we'll go to the seminar and then plan our vacation. Or, she said she would go if you and your wife go.  She doesn't want to just go with me!

What do you think? We have until 11-9 to call. Let me know, you have my number.

Wait, there's more: I'm selling a book and the average cruise has 3,000 passengers.  If one out of ten buy my book, I can make money on this trip! Wouldn't that make anything I do tax deductible!

We have to do this Larry!

  Larry's post:    https://alittlebitoflarry.substack.com/

MY FAVORITE RIDER COMMENTS FROM OCTOBER

"My husband and I have three pets, a lizard (a leopard geco) that we call, "Stupid Fruit," a tortoise who we call, "Lettuce," and a dog we call, "Salsa," since she was born on Cinco de Mayo."

She: "My friend was a dentist for 37 years and then she became a lawyer, and she defends clients against dentists. Her hobby is hunting alligators, she skins them and makes things for her house."

The woman from Afghanistan explained her car sickness, "If I don't sit up front, I will vomit." (She sat up front)

After a few drinks celebrating her birthday, she said of her boyfriend Bob sitting next to her, "Bob stands for battery operated boyfriend."

The big Boston Celtics fan told me, "My first word when I was one was Larry Bird."

The young woman said, "You get more out of life with positivity."

From Toronto, Canada, he told me, "The new Canadian $50 bill actually smells like maple syrup."

The former marine explained why he frequently still carries a gun on him, "The military paid a lot of money to train me well and I feel I have an obligation to carry. It's not comfortable or easy to do it, but if I can protect someone I will. (He was not carrying during a robbery once and he believes he could have made a difference)

The older woman told me, "I've been sick my whole life. When I was nine months old the doctor gave my mother a death certificate to sign due to a serious infection I had."

She: "I don't understand why people are not joyful in the morning, or the afternoon, or at night, or every day."

The couple told me that the husband was a stay-at-home dad for many years raising their kids.  I asked her, "How did he do?" She said, "He probably did a better job than I would have."

They got in my car with a very large gift wrapped.  I asked him, "What's inside?" He said, "A picture of her naked." Then he said, "It's actually me naked."(It was a picture for a friend, no one naked in it)

A big Buffalo Bill's fan, she said, "Tom Brady made my life miserable for the last twenty years."

She: "I used to be an insurance broker and now I'm a Chief Stewardess on a yacht."

When I told the woman about the lawyer from Minnesota who was a Danish Night, she said, "How hard up were they?"

The woman from Pennsylvania said, "You're not on vacation until you make five U-turns."

I asked the former professional football player who played with the Buffalo Bills, "What do you miss the most from playing football?" He half jokingly answered, "The paycheck."

I asked her, "Where are you from?" She said, "Alaska," but she wasn't from there. Her: "It's a lot better than saying I'm from Memphis."

He: "I'm doing research to help firefighters who have a 10-24% better chance of getting cancer than most people."

Explaining her optimism, she said, "When I was born the doctor said, 'This is a happy baby.'"

He: "I was an executive chef and I toured with country singer George Strait (60 number one hits) for three years."

He said, "You don't get an alligator mulligan, they can move up to 35 miles per hour."

The female project manager in manufacturing said, "We're the beauty behind the beauty."

Looking it up he educated me, "There are 161 golf courses in South Carolina. The top five states are: Florida, California, Texas, New York, and Michigan, who has 650 golf courses."

He: "My friend and I have wanted for 25 years to take my sailboat from Chicago to Florida and now we're doing it."

My friend, Neal, an Uber driver, must have thought he was with Regis Philbin on the show, "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" With a former professional baseball player in the car, NEAL CALLED A FRIEND and I talked baseball with his rider.  The guy told me, "I'm cousins with Steven Tyler of Aerosmith and his daughter Liv Tyler, but I don't know them." (Neal did not win the money, but the guy is buying my book)

 MORE COMMENTS

After telling him that I just published a book, he asked me, "Have you ever considered being a ghost rider? I'd like to have someone write a book about my life."

The New England Patriot fan told me that my New York Giants beat his New England Patriot team once in The Super Bowl.  Holding up two fingers I said, "They beat them twice." He said, "I don't remember them beating them twice."

Big sports fan: "Keep telling that story about Roberto Clemente to everyone."

If you ever wondered how long a plane ride from New York to Cape Town, South Africa is, the woman told me, "It's fifteen to sixteen hours."

The woman in human resources said, "One of my former employees told me that I put the "human" in HR."

"My dad took me to see a Celtics game and lost our tickets and had to buy nose bleed seats, but couldn't get one for my grandfather. At the game, he found the tickets and left me when I was 7 to sit alone when he went to find my grandfather outside at a restaurant watching the game."

He said, "You get back the energy you give."

The 84-year-old woman said, "I'm very sick, but God is still good to me."

The executive chef said, "Jimmy Buffet was the funniest celebrity I ever cooked for."

COMMENTS ABOUT LILY MY FEMALE MANNEQUIN

Getting out of the car she said, "What's her name again?"

Seeing Lily before entering my car she said to me with a smile, "Are you a weirdo?" I replied with a big smile, "Do I look like I'm a weirdo?"

She said, "She's cute."

COMMENTS ABOUT ME AND MY CAR

He told me that by bill from Cuba was not Fidel Castro, but intsead, "Camilo Cienfugos, who worked for Castro and was killed by him."

Explaining to her that I start very early in the morning to help people get to the airport, she said, "You're everyone's blessing today."

Getting out of my car, the woman from Cape Town, South Africa said, "You're the best."

Telling the large man that my bill museum has gotten out of hand, he surprised me by saying, "Out of hand? It's lovely."

When I told him that a woman from the Kansas City Chiefs showed me her Super Bowl ring, he asked, "What position did she play?"

Getting out of the car she said, "Thank you, this was very enjoyable."

Telling her that I was going to be on the local news she said, "Maybe you'll be on "The Today" show."

She: "This really is like a museum."

She: "I wish you much laughter and blessings. You made my day and I hope you make someone else's day too."

She: "That was entertaining, you were awesome."

He: "That's the most unique ride I've ever had."

The young woman said, "Keep being the you you are, you're the best person next to my dad."

He: "This is a wonderful environment."

I showed the three singer/songwriters from Nashville the Uber song I published in my book and they said, "That's good, I like it."