"MAKE SURE YOU TELL YOUR WIFE SHE IS SO BEAUTIFUL!" What could be more fun than picking up a woman going home to Newark, NJ? She works in security in the Weequahic section where my parents lived a long time ago. She also occasionally drives for Uber and Lyft and she's in a motorcycle club in Newark and was here for bike week. In the club she goes by the name, "Juicy", but I did not ask her why she picked that name. She missed her flight the day before because she was stuffing her face at an all-you-can-eat buffet. She explained that she missed the flight because, "God wanted me to have one more day of fun." I told it was so she could get picked up by me. We laughed a lot and I showed her the picture of my business card with my wife on it and she immediately commented on how beautiful she was. I agreed of course, but I was laughing when I said goodbye to her. She said goodbye to me by saying, "make sure you tell your wife she is so beautiful."
"WE ONLY TASTED 21 WINES" I was driving the two women to a half marathon at 7 am on a Sunday morning when they explained that they don't get out much. After arriving at 4 pm on Saturday they did some wine tasting and had dinner with more drinks. One woman said that she would have to go home and pretend she wasn't tired so her husband wouldn't think she was up all night drinking. I pointed out to her that she did do just that. I told her that she needed a strong offense to defend herself and since her husband was concerned she would drink and drive, I wrote her a note. It read, "She only tasted 21 wines and did not drive. Uber Driver." They thought it was pretty funny.
The other woman cracked me up when she that said she was an Accounting and Finance Professor and she has a messed up sleep schedule. She grades papers sometimes at 2 or 3 am....with tequila. She explained, "if I look at some numbers and it doesn't look right, I take some tequila and check it again. If it looks the same I know I'm good." I can see her sitting there now!
"SHE WAS DOING MORE THAN DRINKING LAST NIGHT" My ride immediately after the two joggers above, was another two women who were running in the same race. When I told them the story of the other two, one woman said my note should have read, "she was doing more than drinking last night!" The other lady added more to the story by saying the husband wouldn't believe the note and probably would think I was having an affair with her.
"GOLF AND I HAD NO RELATIONSHIP" A very competitive guy told me that he taught himself how to play golf years ago by reading a book, but he stopped playing because they had no relationship. He knew when he got older he would start playing again and be a very good golfer and he's playing again and playing well.
"YOUR CAR IS SO CLEAN" I thanked the woman who made the comment and when she got out of my car I noticed that the mat under her feet looked like she had walked through a construction site. Her shoes had to be one of the dirtiest that had ever been in my car.
INSPIRATION I've had a number of rides that were inspiring and I was really surprised by this rider. He was an African-American male, had a beard, was 6 ft. 3 inches tall and he looked about 30 years old. He works for American Airlines as a "ramp supervisor." When a plane comes in he has a small staff that works quickly to get the plane prepared to fly out. I was impressed by his knowledge and enthusiasm and then he told me he was 21 years old! I asked how he got the job and he told me that his step-dad suggested he apply and American Airlines was impressed with his moving business. "What moving business," I asked? He started it in high school after helping many people move. A woman from his church suggested he should start his own business and she gave him $25,000 to start it. He still runs his moving business(with several managers) while working full-time for American Airlines. I told him he should go back to his high school and encourage young people, because they need to hear from someone like him. I thanked him for the ride and I was very surprised when this 21-year-old tipped me $20 for the ride. I should have paid him.
"LIVING IN MYRTLE BEACH IS LIKE BEING ON VACATION EVERY DAY" The woman who had moved from Connecticut six years said that she had heard someone say this before and it wasn't an original statement, but I told her I was going to give her credit. It would make a great commercial!
SUPERMARKET CASHIER: My rider appeared to have a pretty normal job when I picked him up at the local supermarket until I found out his hours. He had been working 13 hours a day, six days a week, for the past several months. That week was the first week he had two days off this year. He may have been only 20 years old, but I complimented him on his work ethic.
"I HATE TOURISTS" She wasn't a local, but she came from London. She complained that tourists in London walk too slowly and speak too loudly. She laughed at some of my stories of how friendly southerners were and she said it's definitely not that way in London.
"IT'S EITHER HORTON OR NORTON" When a woman gets married she typically will take her husband's name and sometimes her name is longer or more difficult to pronounce and sometimes it's shorter or easier to pronounce. But, when have you ever heard of someone who changes only one letter in her new last name? The funniest part is that when she goes to the vet or a few other places, she doesn't remember what she's listed under. They ask her for her last name and she says, "It's either Horton or Norton."
"ONE SPOUSE, ONE HOUSE, NO BOAT: Some people are naturally funny. (like my good friend Larry Osman) I picked up this couple for a long ride in Charleston and he was making me laugh immediately. It didn't matter what he said, it was funny. He worked for IBM for 15 years and told me that he was in a meeting once with several multi-millionaires and one guy told him that the secret to financial success was simple: "one spouse, one house no boat." They were at a wedding the night before and he was telling his wife that when people asked him if he was on the bride or groom's side, he would make up a far-fetched story. I asked him if he ever did stand-up comedy, but he hadn't. I said, "when you do your first comedy special, I want a copy of it." His immediate response was, "it's going to be inexpensive to make, because I'll need only one copy." He's wrong, if that IBM thing doesn't work out he should try comedy.
"DON'T EVER HIRE A REALTOR WHO IS PAYING ALIMONY OR RECEIVING IT" This was the advice that one rider gave another rider in my car and it did make sense. She explained that someone getting alimony would not be as motivated to work hard to sell your house and someone who was paying alimony would be concerned about having to pay more money if they sold your house. She sold her own house.
"IS THERE ROOM FOR HER IN THERE?" I picked up a couple that was going on a cruise and when I said there was plenty of room in the trunk for their luggage, he asked, "is there room for her in there?" He was clearly joking, but as I shut his door I said to him, "you better be nicer to her, otherwise I'm the only one who's going to be nice to you today." The wife got into the act by mentioning how often a spouse disappears at sea off a cruise ship. I told them I did not want to read about that happening and I would forget this conversation immediately. (I lied)
"THE FUDRUCKER'S STORY" One of my favorite stories in the past was an older couple that flew into North Myrtle Beach to have dinner at Fudruckers on their own plane from North Carolina. I was telling the story to four women in my car the other day when one woman said, "that's very normal." Her husband is an airline pilot and they have their own plane. The husband is very particular about checking out his engine so sometimes they fly to a neighboring airport and have dinner, even in the airport restaurant. Who would have thought this was normal?
"IT WAS AS HOT AS HADES OUT THERE" A passenger told me about her experience at the Blue Crab Festival the other day. I've heard the phrase "hot as hell," but never about Hades. Is it possible that down south where it is more religious they don't joke about hell?
"YOU DESERVE A BREAK TODAY" I had four women in my car from the midwest and two of them worked for The McDonalds Corporation. I asked them if they knew what the most famous McDonalds commercial was of all-time. They had never heard of the jingle, "You Deserve A Break Today." It came out in 1971 and was written by future music star Barry Manilow. It was the first singing/dancing commercial to sell burgers and it is legendary. One woman played it on her phone and said, "that's pretty catchy." Yes, it's still one of the all-time greats- "Get a bucket and mop, scrub the bottom and top, tell me what does it mean, that McDonald's is clean....You deserve a break today, so get up and get away-to McDonalds" It's a good thing I'm already eating right now.
THE NEW YORK HOSPITAL CLERK: It's not an unusual job, unless you're doing it in South Carolina. My rider was able to get hired for a "remote" position handling insurance claims, several years after working in New York and she is getting paid a "New York" salary on top of that.
NOT EVERYONE IS FRIENDLY IN THE SOUTH: A few minutes before this happened I told my passengers from the northeast how friendly people were down here and I told them a few of my favorite stories about southern hospitality. We were sitting in traffic a few blocks from the beach when a pick-up truck turned into the middle lane, put their signal on and pulled in front of me. There was plenty of room, so much so that a second pick-up truck did the same thing, but much faster. The turn was so sharp that a refrigerator in the back of the truck tipped over on its side. The driver, a kid maybe in his early twenties got out to stand the fridge back up. Immediately, he was staring at us and didn't take his eyes off us. We were puzzled as to what his problem was. A couple minutes later he went to turn left and as I passed him he leaned over to the other side of his truck and stuck his hand out the window and pretended to have a handgun and shot at us. None of us had a clue why he seemed upset.
IF YOU'RE UPSET AT YOUR WIFE.... Four women had been out having a good time and the woman in the front seat next to me said that she was shy, but she hardly stopped talking. They were here for a bachelorette party and had a good time last night also. They taped their Uber driver last night saying something funny. This woman, Meagan, told him that when her husband is mad at her, he pronounces her name, "Meagannnnn" and so the Uber driver was repeating her name with the extra "N's" and it was funny. My version wasn't as funny, but I did say goodbye to Meagannnn.
"I'VE BEEN DRINKING ON THE BEACH ALL DAY" Of course that wasn't me, but my passenger. I could tell he had been drinking, but he was pretty mellow. He was celebrating his 40th birthday a day early, but it was a tough day for him. His uncle, who raised him, passed away six years ago on his birthday and he was sincerely still upset about it. He also told me that "he outworks everyone," but I wasn't sure if I believed that until he told me what he did. He had several small businesses and owned 16 rental properties and I took him to one he was checking on. He was a pretty unique guy to say the least.
THE MAGNA CARTA: The couple I picked up were really into history, so I shared something I learned from my 7th grade math teacher in 1973. He said that for the rest of our lives we would remember that The Magna Carta Treaty was written in 1215, because it was signed at lunch. When I told them this info the wife spent the next ten minutes summarizing how important the treaty was and what led up to it. It was impressive, I was just glad she didn't quiz me on what she taught me. And, in case you're wondering, the treaty was not signed at lunch.
"I'M GOING TO PUT MY HEAD PHONES ON NOW IF YOU DON'T MIND" The guy in his twenties told me this about two minutes after I picked him up at the airport for a thirty minute ride. Very few passengers in my car don't want to talk, but he was going to be one of them. He had just told me he was Red Sox fan and I was looking forward to a good baseball talk. After 15 minutes of silence however, he got hungry and asked if I could stop so he could get some lunch. I said yes, but with his headphones off we got in a good ten minutes on baseball. It was a much better ride with baseball. And, my car smelled like chicken when he bought lunch, what could be better than that?
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