DOING STAND-UP

(The events below took place only in my mind and any similarity between real events are just a coincidence.  Of course, my passenger was real and the conversation that took place on our ride was real too. It's just that everything else is made up, I think.  For my readers over 90, keep this in mind-this may seem long to read, but conversation in person goes a lot faster)

Scene:  The Myrtle Beach Comedy Club
When: Saturday night, February 1, 2020
(About 75 people are sitting in a small room talking to each other.  As the clock strikes 8, the host walks up on stage)

Joe the host: Welcome everyone to the Myrtle Beach Comedy Club.  We are ready to entertain you with four different acts. Since we've added one more act to our normal show, there's no time for me to make you laugh.  Our first act is different.  They have never performed stand-up comedy. They have never worked together. They have only met one time and for exactly nine minutes.  They have not talked on the phone ever and they did not rehearse this performance.  Matter of fact, they did not meet before this show and have not seen each other since November.  They are not just appearing for the first time, but I've been assured that this is their farewell performance.

Help me welcome, Jeff and MM:

(They enter the room from different places and approach the stage.  Jeff walks over to greet MM)

Jeff: Hi, I'm Jeff
MM: I know who you are, who is MM?
Jeff: You are, I gave you a stage name.
MM: That's the best you can do, mm(making the sound)?
Jeff: It's a tribute to you.
MM: Great, I feel better already, what does it mean?
Jeff: It stands for "The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel," the award winning comedy show about the hilarious stand-up comic.        .
MM: I know who she is, but that's three M's, why do I have only two?
Jeff: I thought three would be a little much, calling you, MMM.(making a sound like you would make after eating something delicious like coffee ice cream)  MM seems more normal.
MM: That's normal to you? We're in trouble or they are.(pointing to the audience)  You do realize that she is not real and I am, right?
Jeff: You are real? Are you sure? I've never seen you with the lights on.
MM: I've never see you with the lights on.  You look real, real old.
Jeff: I'll be 60 in August.
MM: 60? I thought you were in your 70's.
Jeff: Very nice of you to think that, you look real young-maybe 19?
MM: That's ridiculous, I am not 19 and you definitely need glasses.

Jeff: So, how did we get here?
MM: It's your fault, totally.
Jeff: I think you're to blame, we'll let the audience decide.
As Joe said, we really do not know each other and have only met one time.  I don't even know her name, so I gave her one.
MM: You forgot my name, really?
Jeff: Your name wasn't important, but the things you said were very funny.  We were together for nine minutes and I might add, there were other people with us.
MM: You were with me and three of my girlfriends.
Jeff: Yes, that is true, but here's our story:
(In a hushed voice:)It was a beautiful Saturday night in downtown Charleston, South Carolina. It was November 9th and it was 6:45 pm.
MM: That's very nice, but this isn't "The Muppet Christmas Carol."
Jeff: You recognized that I was mimicking the beginning of that movie?
MM:It's one of my favorite movies, we watch it every Christmas Eve.
Jeff: No way, it's one of my favorite movies and we watch it every Christmas Eve.

(Almost together they both say:) "I love the music".

Jeff: Are we related?
MM: Not that I know of.
Jeff: You don't have cousins up in the Kingston, NY area by the name of Schwartz?
MM: I don't think so, are you Jewish?
Jeff: I am, are you?
MM: Yes. I don't believe you-say a prayer.
Jeff: Baruch Atah Adonoi....
MM: Charleston?
Jeff: Yes, tell them what you did in Charleston and how we met.

MM:I was in Charleston with three of my friends and we were hanging out for a couple days.  We had just had a couple drinks, having a good time, and we were going to eat. It was a mile away and we didn't want to walk-we were lazy, so we got an Uber and that's how this began.
Jeff: So it was your fault, right?
MM: I just wanted a ride, I wasn't planning on doing stand-up!
Jeff: I was the Uber driver and I was taking my last ride of the night and then meeting my wife for dinner.  I was a little tired since I had been taking rides since 6 am., and I had no clue who I was picking up and I still don't know.
MM: I was looking at his profile and he almost had a perfect rating, close to 5.0 and I also saw that he said his favorite day of the week is Monday.  How can that be?
Jeff: The rating or about Monday?
MM: Both
Jeff: Well, I really enjoy driving people and they are kind enough to rate me highly, but my rating was was only a 4.6 which isn't even the best in my house.  My wife's rating is 4.8, she's prettier than I am.  Monday is my favorite day, because it's the beginning of a new week and it's most people's least favorite day.  My youngest daughter and I call Mondays, "Magnificent Mondays."
MM: That is ridiculous! Don't you all agree?(asking the audience and the audience applauds)

MM: I knew this was going to be an unusual ride when I saw his vehicle on the other side of the road and he drove right up on the sidewalk.
Jeff: It was dark and it was a busy street and I did not go over a curb.  I just drove up an incline so I was in a safe spot for them to get in. As she's crossing the street, leading her posse...
MM: A posse? They were friends.
Jeff: She was leading the march, definitely the leader of the group.  She's in the middle of a busy street, in the dark, loudly talking about my great rating.  I had gotten out of the car to make sure they got in my car safely away from the traffic and I just started laughing. I opened the door and said something about the service she was getting.  I knew this was going to be a great last ride for the night.  I never thought I'd end up on a stage.

Jeff: As I pulled away she said something like, "it's only a mile away, is that okay?" Knowing her all of 30 seconds I said, "you're all already in the car, I'm kind of stuck with you."  I really don't talk like that to riders I just met, it usually takes me a few minutes to tell if I can kid around with them.
MM: I didn't like what he said, so I told him something like, "if you don't want us, I'll have to give you a 1 rating,." It's the lowest rating.
Jeff: I was still laughing and said, "she's threatening me, can you believe it, she's threatening me.  You do know that I rate the passengers too, right?"  Then I asked her, who ordered the ride? It was the person whose name was on my app, whatever it was.  She said it was one of the girls in the back, but she lied.
MM: I wasn't going to tell him it was me, but one of my posse spilled the beans.

Jeff: She said something else that was funny-I was having difficulty concentrating on driving, I was just trying to keep pace with her and it was almost impossible.
MM: He was laughing and trying to drive, it was funny watching him laugh at everything I said.
Jeff: I said to her, "Have you ever done stand-up?"  Her response was priceless- she said, "No, should I?  Maybe we should do it together later tonight?"
MM: I thought he might enjoy that.
Jeff: If she was the driver and I said that, she probably would have slapped me in the face.
MM: Yes, I would have and I would have  enjoyed doing it too.

Jeff: That's when I realized I have to talk more, because I had no idea what she was going to say.  If I was in an easy place to drive and she was the only one in the car, I would have pulled over for a minute, just to stop laughing.
MM: So, if we were alone you would have pulled over, that doesn't sound like a good idea.
Jeff: It would have helped my driving.  I said something like, "it's a good thing this isn't a longer ride, it would be difficult to drive any distance with you."
MM: I guess that was a compliment, but I was having fun.
Jeff: I told her that I write a blog for my family and a few friends in New Jersey and I would have to write about her.
MM: I definitely wanted to read that so he gave me his card, which he probably gives out to a lot of women. He said I should send him my e-mail address and he would send me the story when he writes it.

Jeff: The business card has a picture of my wife on it and I don't give it out to a lot of women.  I told her one of my funny rider stories that I knew she would like, but her response was totally unexpected.  One of my passengers gave me a nickname, Jeff-Ro, No-Fro, which everyone laughs at.  The ride was almost over and suddenly she started almost shouting, "I have to show you something, I have to show you something."
MM: His story was funny, but I couldn't believe what he said, because of my past.
Jeff: It is never a good idea for a woman to start shouting those words at a man who is driving a car.
MM: What did you think I was going to show you? You didn't think I was going to "flash" you, did you?
Jeff: No, definitely not.  Never entered my mind, no.
MM: That's a lot of denials for an easy question.
Jeff: It is, but it's still no.
MM: He had to see what I wanted to show him.
Jeff: It was about that time I missed a turn down a small side road and the ride was extended another minute or two.  I pulled over to drop them off and she shows me a picture on her phone and she was wearing an afro.
MM: I wasn't wearing it, my hair was in an afro in second grade.  My uncle cut my hair-it was awful.
Jeff: It was dark, I was in a hurry, I thought it was possible it was a recent picture.  Finally, she got out of the car with her posse and I had a good laugh.  I realized that she was no-fro now too, really bizarre.  I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my last ride.  I also gave her a good rating and if I could have, I would have given her 10 stars.(5 is the highest rating)
MM: My posse enjoyed the show we put on and we had a great time the rest of the night.

Jeff: Just when I though it could not get any odder, the next night I was sitting in our living room with my wife and I got a text from you know you.
MM: They really don't know, they don't know my name either.
Jeff: Ok, what's your real name?
MM: I think it's a little late for that, why do you need to know?
Jeff: Isn't about time I knew? It's not like I'm going to write a song about you.
MM: You don't write songs too, do you?
Jeff: Yes, I've written a few, over 300.  But, I'm not writing a song about you.
MM: Are you sure? You're starting to sound like a stalker. But, if you did write a song about me, what would you call it?
Jeff: Well, I could call it: "A Woman With No Name, " or I could call it, "Once, Twice, But Three Times You Won't See Me," or maybe "This One's Not For You."
MM: You didn't just come up with that.  You've been thinking about song titles about a song you're not going to write?
Jeff: The thought did occur to me, but I'm definitely not writing a song about you, I don't even know who you are!

MM: I sent him a text the next night after I gave him a 5 rating on the app, a tip, and I wrote some comments.
Jeff: When I read the comments, I started laughing again.  This is exactly what she said, "  'WOW, WHERE DO I EVEN START WITH JEFFREY.  WE HAD A MAGICAL EVENING RIDE, THOUGH IT WAS ONLY A MILE DRIVE.  WE REALLY BONDED. JEFFREY AND I ARE GOING TO BE PERFORMING A NIGHTLY STAND-UP ROUTINE ONCE HE AND MONIKA SETTLE DOWN IN CHARLESTON.  I WILL BE DEBUTING ON THE BLOG NEXT WEEK AND THINGS ARE ON THE UP AND UP."

MM: I thought the comments were pretty normal, that's what I write about all my Uber drivers.
Jeff: Sure you do! "A magical evening ride?" I was not Aladin showing Jasmine the city on my flying carpet. I hate texting, but for the next ten minutes I was texting back and forth to you know who.  My wife said this was really weird and I said it was, "but, that's what makes it so much fun."
MM: I sent him a recent picture of me at a wig party, with sort of an afro wig.
Jeff: I didn't even know what she looked like, but I could see the resemblance from the second grade picture. I sent her a link to my blog and figured that was the end of the story, but it wasn't.  I was thinking about how funny it would be if an Uber driver and a passenger who didn't know each other, really did a stand-up routine.  What if I wrote a comedy sketch about the two of us meeting? Do I ask her if she wants to give me lines she would say, or would I appear to be a stalker if I contacted her again?  I decided to write the comedy sketch and somehow try to be as funny as she would be.  Then, I would make sure she saw it with my story about her at the end of the month.
MM: My posse was giving me a hard time about this old man hitting on me, but I knew he really wasn't.  It was just very unusual to connect so easily and immediately with someone so much older than I was.
Jeff: Yes, our age difference has to be about 50 years, right?
MM: I was 8 in the first picture you saw, so maybe 60 years?

Jeff: I wrote the comedy sketch just before Thanksgiving and then I wrote my end of the month stories on my favorite rides of the month.  I did text her to let her know and if she couldn't get them on my blog I would send them to her for her to enjoy.
MM: I was surprised when I read the sketch and parts of it were very funny, but we were a lot funnier in person.  I texted him back and said I enjoyed it and thank you, but I said, "maybe we really should do stand-up once."
Jeff: It's her fault we're here.  I came up with the idea that I would ask a comedy club if we could raise money for a local charity and if they would give us a chance to perform one night.  I did ask my wife first, under the circumstances.  I promoted it on our Uber Facebook page and I told a lot of drivers.  A number of them are here, right? (some applause in the audience)  Those of you in the audience who need a ride home, will definitely not have a problem tonight.
MM: I thought it would be fun, but I didn't think he would be able to do it.  And then he texts me and asks what weekend I would be available in February.  I started laughing at the idea we were going to do this, it seemed ridiculous.  How was I going to explain this to my posse? I'm going to fly to Myrtle Beach to do stand-up with my Uber driver?  How could I explain it to my family?
Jeff: When she said she wanted to come down and could be here Saturday, February 1, I knew I couldn't back out.  How was I going to explain this to anyone? Who would believe this? We are filming this so we have proof and I'm sure we will get a few laughs after tonight.
MM: I may have to watch it again, so I believe we really did this.

Jeff: We have a few minutes left and we can take two questions from the audience.
Question from a woman: You were very funny together, why do you say it's your farewell performance?
MM: Long distance relationships and business relationships, are very hard to work out.  I have a full-time job and he's married for a long time and works too.  It just wouldn't work out for the two of us to travel the country bantering back and forth at bars and comedy places.
Jeff: MM is right, it wouldn't work. Why would I want to be away from my beautiful wife of 36 years and miss this great weather in Myrtle Beach?  I barely survived my first 9 minutes with her, how could I stop laughing if I was around her a lot? She got her fantasy to do stand-up with an old man.
MM: Yes, since I was 9, I wanted to do a stand-up routine with someone old enough to be my grandfather, isn't that every little girl's dream?
Question from a man: So, the two of you don't have a thing?
Jeff: Of course we do, this is it.  You could say this is our one night stand....up!
MM: You saved that for last, didn't you? All night he's been throwing out these great lines trying to top me.
Jeff: And still, it probably didn't work.  You're just naturally funny and I'm not.  You've been a great audience, thank you comedy club and thank you MM. We'll hang around after the show if anyone wants to say hello.  Why don't you say good night Gracie?
MM: Who is Gracie?
Jeff: Who is on first.
MM: She is?
Jeff and MM: Good night.