January 2021 Rider Comments

"It was such a nice day I decided to walk to the airport."(from North Myrtle Beach(20 miles away) with a heavy suitcase and he gave up after an hour.)

"I've been married 51 years, but my wife has been married 61 years.  She says that I've made it seem ten years longer."

"When I retired, I was an Uber driver for one month just to piss off my kids. They didn't think I would do it, but I enjoyed it." 

Female in her 20's: "I'm unique.  I enjoy reading Shakespeare while I listen to classical music."

Me: "How are you managing the 70-30% ratio of girls to guys at The College Of Charleston?" Him: "It's the best thing in life.  The girls are making us smarter."

I asked the College of Charleston student, "what is the college best known for?"  She surprised me when she answered, "the clap."

Three male College of Charleston students: "When we were recruited at our high school the recruiter called us over and said, "the school is 70% women. We had spent 18 years living in Charleston, another four years couldn't be too bad."

Grandfather: "If I could have had grandchildren first, I would have."

Him: "When I first got tested for Covid, it was like they were pushing up to my brain and swabbing my eyeballs through my nose."

Talking about a male friend, he said, "He has a lot of confidence with women, for no real reason."

"Sometimes I think people down here have had their brains melted by the sun."

The big Dallas Cowboy fan said, "My husband said he would not date a Dallas Cowboy fan.  We've been married 10 years." Me: "How did you overcome that?" Her: "I'm irresistible."  He added, "We went straight to the altar."

Male from Philly, "When I first came down south, the people were so nice I thought they were mocking me."

Wife: "It's his 45th birthday today. He's going to get more today than anyone else will in this Uber."

"I've always wanted to work in a dispensary since I love smoking weed."

"In Minnesota you're nice to your neighbors because if you're not, they'll freeze and die and you might be the next one to go."

She: "When I first came down here I was trying to find a doctor's office and I asked a man on the side of the road. He told me to turn after "Horse Trader," so I was looking for something that said that. I finally gave up, called the office and told the receptionist what he said. She put me on hold and then had the entire office on speaker listening to me tell the story and they all burst out laughing. The man with the thick southern accent said, "Harris Teeter" not "Horse Trader."

Female owner of a bakery, "Do you want to deliver bread for us?  Our last driver drove our truck into a pond.'

Me: "I'm from New Jersey." She:(laughing) "I thought you were doggone Southern."

A woman who had a couple drinks, said something and patted me on the shoulder.  Her friend lectured her, "we've talked about not hitting someone when you speak to them."

When she received my top 20 rider comments of 2020 she said, "This is my favorite thing!" Me: Even better than ice cream?"  She replied, "yes!"

Woman: "I had an Uber driver accept the ride and not move for ten minutes and then he called me. He said, "I'm on my way, I just got out of the shower."

After explaining that I could have used an ice scraper this morning for my windshield, the southerner said, "where would you buy an ice scraper?

Male bartender: "Bartending is like babysitting for adults." 

How men and women react when they get my yearly list of favorite rider comments: Male- "We'll take a look at it."  His fiancee: "I'm so excited to read this. We'll read it during dinner. Thank you."

I stopped at a gas station for her and she ran back out and said, "do you have two quarters?" Me: "I do."  A minute later she ran out and said, "do you have a dime?" Me: "I do." When she got back in the car I said, "what did we buy?" She: "cigars."  Me: I was hoping to get a couple bites out of a candy bar." Her: I told my boyfriend to give you a good rating and a tip." (still waiting, should have taken a cigar)

Me: "How are you adjusting to being newly retired?" Him: "I don't know, I'm taking a lot of naps."

Me: "Do women in Texas really wear cowboy hats?"  Her: Yes, I wear one with boots and with Dallas Cowboy outfits."

Former male Uber driver: "My favorite ride was with five girls having a bachelorette party.  They were hanging out the window and wanted me to stop and have a beer with them, but I'm married."

"We were going to drive up to Myrtle to hand out at Top Golf.(2 hours away)

"We were celebrating our 22 year-old daughter's birthday.  Doing shots with twenty year olds is a tough job."

Female Nurse: "Three years ago I had brain and neck surgery. I burst a ligament when I picked up a box of paper not realizing it was full. My injury was similar to the one that Christopher Reeves had."

Female: "I had a burger for breakfast just the other day."

"I think racial tensions started when Obama was elected."

"In North Dakota it's freezing all the time."

"There were only 14 kids in my grade in North Dakota."

"Pro football isn't the same since they started disrespecting the flag."

"I moved here on a whim from Boston.  I was tired of the cold weather and just looked up houses in South Carolina and bought something here.

Why do women love Charleston?  She said, "It has a lot of character."

When I told her about the woman who said I gave her "a magical evening ride," she commented, "she made it sound like you pulled up in a horse and carriage."

"I like talking to everyone, even homeless people. They have interesting stories and it helps break up their day."

"My Dad has a rare illness.  If anyone around him is sick, he gets it and spends 24-48 hours puking.  He has no immune system."

"My doctor said he doesn't lecture me about being overweight because I'm very healthy due to a lot of exercise."

"I love nursing, because my Dad was a nurse.  He was always dressed in white and I thought he was so important."

"I haven't slept in three days, I've been drinking a lot."

 "I made $700 last night as a DJ and I just signed an exclusive contract.  I'm living the dream."

"As a second mate on a freighter I work  around 40 straight days going to about a dozen ports and then do the same thing over again before I get 4 months vacation."

The older woman explained to me that she used to have two large dogs which were over one hundred pounds each and then she started doing impressions of how the dogs sounded.  They didn't sound too good.

 "I made two kids with some woman."

He is the only male in a family with seven women-"they talk about nothing and expect me to comment."

Male: "Due to having to quarantine together, my wife and I have a better relationship."

Me to a couple: "How about you stay in my car and make everyone laugh the rest of the day? " She: "Why don't you come with us on our summer road trip this year?" 

"After my last divorce I made a list of about 10 things that a woman I dated in the future could not be and she(his wife) has four of them."

Female rider: "This is my daughter, isn't she beautiful?"

Woman in her 20's: "When I had the virus I felt great, never felt better.  I was in quaranteen for two weeks, had no symptoms and I didn't have to get up to go to work at 4 am."

"I've wanted to sail around the world since I was ten years old and now I'm doing it."

Me in Charleston: "I live in Myrtle Beach." Him: "Oh God! What are you doing here?" Me: "I knew you needed a ride."

"I was feeling a little down when I got in your car, but after seeing your sign (if you can't see the sunshine, be the sunshine), I feel differently."

"I lived more life before I was 30 than most people do all their life."(Motorcycle Champion)

"The two fastest growing stocks this year will be in cannabas and space travel."

"If you call a restaurant in  DC. and they are busy, they'll just hang up on you.  That doesn't happen in the south." 

Pharmacist: "I know several pharmacists who had breakdowns, because they didn't have enough help and they were just overwhelmed with the workload.

"My Uber driver was driving way too fast and I asked her several times to slow down.  She finally did after missing a turn and then she passed a cop.  I gave her a 1 rating and complained.  She then reported me for not wearing a mask which she made up and Uber believed her and didn't have my back."

"I've done all kinds of jobs in my life including starting out as a "Beach Monkey" here in Myrtle Beach.(helping lifeguards)

"On my day off I sit outside and eat breakfast and drink Bloody Mary's."

"I decided to be a Buffalo Bill's fan instead of a New York Giant fan because it was cheaper to go to Buffalo for a game than New York."

"When I was a kid I would help shovel out the Buffalo Bill's stadium and they would give all the workers a free ticket to the game."

She: "He had to quit his job when we got married and he opened up his own business and now we make a shit load of money."

Sean texted me when I accepted the ride; "You're a lifesaver-I'm definitely going to tip you." When he got in my car he thanked me again. Me: "Before I give you the ride, what is the name of my only son?" (Panic in his eyes) He said, "Sean?" Me: You have yourself a ride!"(still waiting on the tip)

Pulling up to the guard shack she told me to tell the guard, "I'm driving Miss Daisy."

My rider lives in a neighborhood that has only one street that goes a few miles straight down with only one way in and out. "When I first moved here there were several times I thought I passed my house I'm so far down the road."

On the College of Charleston campus which is dominated by women, a woman living nearby said about the guys, "there are a lot of Peter Pan's here, this is like Neverland for them."

"It's very difficult doing business down here, because of how slow the pace is."

"In Ohio if someone was as nice as the people here, they would think they are being set-up for something.

Female flight attendant: "It's up to you to create your positivity and attitude."

Male: "I've had some really neat things happen to me in my life.  I once got a free trip to Mexico to purchase tequila."

"The CEO of one of the biggest companies in Charleston was drunk and crashed his car on the Ravenel Bridge and had serious injuries.  They swept in under the rug and he didn't get a DUI."

"If I was a black person I wouldn't be living in the South."

"As a bartender, I have better sympathy and understanding for drinkers."

"Chicago is seven months of cold."

Pro softball player: "Every time I go back home to New York they have a snowstorm."

Speaking about the virus he said, "there is a lot of good that comes out of bad." 

"How are you managing with the 70-30% ratio of women to men at the school?" Male student, "I'm not complaining."

THE THIN MINTS ARE HERE! THE THIN MINTS ARE HERE!

 I know I would have loved to be in Denver today because it snowed all day.  And, New Jersey is expecting snow, I'd love just a few flurries over our house in South Carolina. However, even better news is that one more of my top 60 foods is now off the list-thin mints from The Girl Scouts.

There were 8 foods that I had not eaten for my birthday last August and now on the list is only Carvel's Flying Saucer, a block of salami, a triple decker sandwich and gefilte fish. I'll be getting a few of those when I get to New Jersey this year.

My wife knew it was the time of year that girl scout cookies are sold, so she asked on Facebook if anyone was selling them. We got a bunch of boxes today and I have eaten my first sleeve.  We are low on milk so I asked my wife to buy a gallon of milk. She asked me, "can't you eat thin mints without milk?"  Are you kidding me? Absolutely not, frozen thin mints with lots of milk!

Below is just before I was ready to devour the first sleeve and it was spectacular!

How to Use a Sponge, Strip Joints and $2 Bills, and Our Shredding Container

 I've been learning so much lately I had to combine three new things in one post!

1. Recently I learned how to use a sponge to wash off some crumbs on our kitchen counter. First, take the sponge and crush it or squeeze it so all the water is not on it.  Then, when it's completely or mostly dry, try to get all those little crumbs up that are running away from the sponge when you use it.  Crush or squeeze the sponge over the sink and hope that whatever you were cleaning up is now in the sink.  Take a towel, the right one, and dry off where you cleaned and also get any remaining tiny things on the towel.  Still, I feel this may not be exactly right.

2. Did you know that some strip joints are not allowing you to use dollar bills? No, not particularly you, but anyone. (not me either) According to my wife, some places have $2 bill machines that you exchange your singles to get the $2 bills that you can give out anywhere you want to-in the strip joint.  My Dad has been getting $2 bills for decades since he worked at The Federal Reserve Bank in New York.  I thought he was the only one using them.

3. Below is a picture of our shredding container which hangs in our kitchen.  It's been there about three years I'm told.  You probably guessed I haven't used it. Why are we doing all this shredding that we need a container? I really know the answer, I'm just not saying.  Do we really need a shredding container? It's not like we are leaving the White House? (In honor of the new President that was my bi-partisan joke for the year)

Our Recycling is Down 30%!

 There are times that we have a lot of recycling.  We have a basket in our kitchen closet to put it in and then it is moved out to the garage into a very large recycling garbage can.  In the last week or so, we've noticed that our recycling is considerably down.

What could it be? It's just the two of us, wait a second. Our youngest daughter was staying with us and she left a week ago to head west! When there was ever any doubt she would say, "recycling." That has to be it, the recycling police is no longer here.

I saw a story just yesterday that recycling has increased recently in Atlanta, Mississippi, Arkansas, and Texas. Or, are those the states that our daughter has stopped in on the way to Denver? I hope Denver is prepared, meanwhile we're enjoying handling less recycling.

I hope she doesn't read this.

How Do You Say "Almond"?

 People do pronounce things differently and I'm not talking about people with an accent.  Sometimes there's a difference in the name of a city or town.  My son lives in Lancaster, Pa., and I think most people say the name as "Lan-caster." However, if you live there, apparently most people say it quickly more like, "Lincaster." I'm sure my son will tell me that I still have it wrong, but it's at least closer to the right way.(maybe)

My wife and I were sitting at the dinner table last week with our youngest daughter and she said the word, "almond." It didn't sound right to me and then we all started saying it.  We all started laughing too, because we may have been saying it all the same.  I don't think we know for sure, but it was funny.

To make things worse I mentioned the musical group, "The Allman Brothers." So, do you say "almond," as "All-min" or do you say it say it as, "I'll-mind" or "I'll-min"? There may be a couple other possibilities, but if you keep saying this word over and over, it's almost guaranteed that you will start laughing.

I don't eat almonds at all, but I'm pretty sure I will laugh anytime the name comes up.

Who Is "Ice Mom" and What is "Car Play?"

 When I turned 60 in August. I joked that I was going to blog about all the things I learned when I was 60.  However, in the next week or so there was a slew of things I learned and then I couldn't remember what they all were.

Lucky for you, today is a new year and one of the things I'm doing this year is to write about what I've learned this year and some of it will make you laugh and some of it you might learn about too!

I was sitting in my daughter's new car and she said that she was going to call Mom.  She talked to the car and of course it answered and it showed on the screen, "Ice Mom".  I know my wife thinks she's cool and I do too, (wink, wink), but why would you call her "Ice Mom.?" You think I'm joking that I did not know, but really I did not.  You're supposed to have, (I don't believe in supposed to), on your phone someone listed as "ICE" which means "in case of emergency." I would argue it should be "ICOE", but I don't think that would be cool enough.  I did check my phone and there is no "ICE" there.  Can I really do that myself? I'll get back to you.

At the same time I was learning about "ICE", I learned about "car play." The car plays what is on your phone and somehow you connect the two so it can do that.  For me, I like having a car and I put up with having a phone, but does a car really have to play with my phone? I don't play with it, why should my car?

If I learn two things like this a day, how am I going to find time to blog about them?

My Top 20 Rider Comments of 2020

A week or so ago I put this list on the Uber Facebook site for fellow drivers.  Of course, I first accidentally put it on the regular Facebook site, so there may be a few of you who saw this list.  I've been giving this list out to passengers and I'll continue do so this month and then during the year from time to time.  It was very difficult to pick only 20, but here they are:

 My rider showed me a picture of his wife and when I showed him a picture of my wife, he said with a thick British accent, "Our wives have something in common-they have abominably poor taste in men."

"Our husbands are so needy.  They don't even know how to feed themselves when we're away."

"My Dad named me Marissa after a Playboy bunny he liked.  In my baby book are pictures of the Playboy bunny."

Exhausted male: "I only had five hours of sleep." Me: "I had less than that." He said, "yeah, but I had alcohol and sex."

She had been in Myrtle Beach twenty years, I asked, "where are you from?" She: I'm from my mom." (Some alcohol)

"I can't tell my girlfriend this, but a few years back I made out with Jenna Bush, George W. Bush's daughter.  The Secret Service wasn't happy about it."

When asked how he was managing with the 70-30% ratio of women to men at The College of Charleston, he said, "I have five girlfriends, I'm doing the best I can to keep everyone happy.  This girl(showing a picture) wouldn't give me the time of day at most schools, but here it's slim pickings."

Male: "I've always been disappointed with mini-golf, but I've thought my whole life about "stripper mini-golf."

One female to another: "How's their baby look?" Reply: "It was four weeks early and it looked like it could have baked in the oven a little longer."

From New Year's Eve: she said, "you should hit one of those deer so I can skin it and have deer sandwiches."

"Uber was created so I could go out at night and drink mimosas."

Me: "What kind of work do you do?" Rider: "I'm in death sales. I sell plots, caskets and mausoleums." I can get you 15% off on a casket. Sometimes people ask if they can get the discount later on and I tell them that when it's time, it's too late for the discount."

"I work hard every day of the week, I don't want to chase a little golf ball on the weekend."

Me: "What is the secret to being the top salesperson in your company in the USA?" Him: "I don't give a 'F___'  I tell them you probably can't afford this anyway and I have other things to do.  My girlfriend is hungry and I have to feed her."

Me: "After 36 years of marriage I can tell you that sometimes you win the argument by not winning it." Female: "That's what every F'N man needs to learn in this country."

First guy: "I don't know why my finger hurts." Second guy: "You put it in my mouth at 4 am." First guy: "You bit my finger?"

Female: "When I called my fast food manager on the phone and told her that the doctor said I had a collapsed lung, she said, "are you going to be at work tomorrow?"

 (Woman in her 20's) "All girls are crazy, but you just need to find YOUR OWN crazy."

Female rider: "I hate driving.  If I'm driving, you're going to get hurt." Saying goodbye to me she said, "I hope no one hits you."

"My 99 year-old grandmother is so stubborn. I said to her, "you must have been an awful teenager."

"Do you have any advice on how to find a rich guy in New York City?"

"My husband was balling at our daughter's wedding." The husband joked, "I was balling because it cost me $40,000."