December Rider Quotes

"My Mom's an Uber driver.  Last week when she took some people to the concert they gave her a small bag of acid.  She gave it to a neighbor."

"Please officer, don't castrate my Uber driver for dropping me off here."(If a cop stopped me on King St. Charleston she would have said this)

"I'll bet you when you get a puppy there will be a day that you would rather be with the puppy than your wife."(she lost that bet)

"My brother's a whore.  He think he owns my house."

"Uber was created so I could go out at night and drink mimosas."

"I love your bald head!"

(How's their baby look?) "It was four weeks early and it looked like it could have baked in the oven a little longer."

"My daughter was born looking like a chimpanzee, she had hair everywhere."

What is the secret to being the top salesperson in your company in the USA? "I don't give a "F___"  I tell them you probably can't afford this anyway and I have other things to do.  My girlfriend is hungry and I have to feed her."

Me: "After 36 years of marriage I can tell you that sometimes you win the argument by not winning it." Female rider: "That's what every F'N man needs to learn in this country."

The hairdresser was told this by a customer: "I have to go pick-up my neighbor's kids.  They're actually mine, I'm the home-wrecking whore."

"I want to kill some of those horse carriage drivers."(against cruelty to animals, but not people)

"When I go to my office in Shanghai during the thirty minutes I see 300.000 to 400,000 people."

"I want to go to Top Golf so I can drink and look cute."

"You have to do stand-up with that rider!"

"Some of my drivers complain that the ride is 30 minutes long."(people will complain about anything)

"The South taught me to be nice."

"You can't raise a store if you're raising a family."(mother turned down management job for her kids)

"The people in Montana are friendlier than South Carolina and it's cheaper to live there too."

"I want to try that procedure where you put a lit candle by your ear to get all the wax out.  It increases your hearing by four times." (WHAT?)

"I consider myself one of those "sickenly nice" people here in the the South."

"You and your wife are tag-team Uber drivers."

Dynamite said, "I was born four weeks early and my Aunt looked at me and said, "he's a real firecracker.'  My Uncle corrected her and said, "No, he's dynamite" and that's how I got the nickname which I go by."

"We're the handsome guys at the concert."

"I love hotels, it's like being on vacation.  I get some wine, take-out and watch cable."

Patriots fan: "Do I really have to sit in front of a NY Giants hat.  I live those Super Bowl losses every day."

"Retirement is a lot of work."

"I do have a little twang in my voice."

"My husband named our daughter Brooklyn, because he said it sounded southern."

"Pfish is the most popular band no one's ever heard of."

Does coffee wake you up in the morning? "I prefer Red Bull."

"I don't drink coffee from coffee cups in hotel rooms.  I'm afraid of what people might have have done to them."

"In Russia we don't send cards or wrap presents."

"New Yorkers are narcissistic."

"Myrtle Beach? Ayyyyyyyyy"(It's too busy for her here)

"I was one of the surgeons who worked on Steven Jobs.  My success rate with cancer patients is 70% while most other doctors have a success rate of 7%."

"People in China really don't want to be bothered with you, they are focused on their life and what they are doing."

"Tonight is my 294th Pfish concert."

"The best way to get good airline prices is by doing in online at night incognito so the airlines don't know where you're located."

"My worst Christmas meal was in a small town in a tiny restaurant that was the only place open off the highway in the South. The food was so bad that two third's of the people refused to pay."

"Where else but Nashville can you go into a McDonalds and see a country music singer performing live?"