August Rider Quotes

"When I get my license back and get a car, I want to be an Uber driver."

"I'm an Uber driver to my grandchildren.  I take them wherever they want to go."

"I'm a nocturnal creature.  I like things gloomy and dark."

Rider: "I have to get gifts for my five kids." Friend of rider: "He never learned when to pull out."  Me: "I'm not touching that line." Rider: I was really stupid, I have five kids with four women."  Me: "I'm not touching that line either."

"We met on a dating site and our first date was going to be in Disneyland. The day before we went we talked on the phone for 12 hours."

"My 99 year-old grandmother is so stubborn. I said to her, "you must have been an awful teenager."

(6 am Sunday morning) "I can't sleep, I have to get something to eat. I got married last night."  Me: "Did you get any sleep last night? Oops, I shouldn't have asked you that."

"Uber saved the day. Our taxi driver from the airport spoke no English and could not use his phone or GPS.  His boss put the destination into his phone and we had to direct him to drop us off 3/4th of the way there before calling Uber." (I picked them up walking through the trees between the Marriott and Grand Dunes.)

"I was ripped like Jesus. Did you ever notice he always had a six pack-he even looked good on the cross."(not a religious comment)

"My grandmother is a "gamer." She used to buy and play all these games years ago and still in her 80's she burns out a tablet every year."

"I tell new workers that after six months of doing this heavy lifting, if you squeeze yourself hard, you'll turn purple."

"I didn't know there were Uber drivers sitting at the airport, there was no sign so I got a taxi."

"Me: "How long have you been dating?"  Female: "Three years."  Male: "Three going on 30." Me: "You better be nice to her or she'll start hitting you."

(Uber driver from Arizona) "We get riders good and drunk and then we take all their money.  No, we don't do that."(??)

"How am I supposed to film a commercial for suicide prevention for veterans when the two people in the commercial have to be six feet apart and I have two pandemic inspectors watching?"

As a bartender along the beach here I saved all my quarters a couple years ago and rolled them each night.  When the summer ended and three days before I went to Disney World, I brought all the rolls of quarters into the bank.  The $1,000 paid for my trip."

"I was with a girlfriend in Conway and we were drunk.  She said, "Do you want to go to the graveyard?" I said, "sure." We walked for about an hour and 45 minutes and I said to her, "do you know where the graveyard is?" She said, "what graveyard?"

"After my car accident the EMT told me to squeeze his hand while they gave me pain killers for my other broken hand.  Later at the hospital he told me that I squeezed his hand so hard he was getting X-rays, because he thinks I broke his hand."

"When you get tested for the virus they stick  a swab all the way up your nostril. I have a high tolerance for pain, but when they did the other nostril I had tears in my eyes."

(Pulling up to my rider at the Hilton) "I'm not going to be riding with you.  I need to get my Dad's phone back to him, give him this bag."(32 minutes later I said to the Dad, "what's your daughter's name-you better get this right.)

Him: "I'm a Dallas Cowboy fan and if you're a New York Giant fan, we're not going to be friends."  Me: "Oh no! We're not going to be friends?"

Female rider: "I'm studying marketing, but I hate it.  I don't want to work." Boyfriend: "She wants me to pay for everything." Female rider: "What's wrong with that?" (dating only 8 months)

"I think next time we go on vacation we'll go to an Adults Only Resort."

"They say if you can make a woman laugh you can make her do anything." 

"The day before Disneyland opened up, Governor Ronald Reagan visited with his kids and they wanted to go on the monorail. It hadn't been working and the driver did not know how to stop it.  Walt Disney allowed them on with the Secret Service. Somehow it finally worked and the driver was able to stop it. When the Secret Service heard about the previous problems, they wanted to charge Walt Disney with kidnapping."

"When I ate Cracker Barrel's chicken I thought I was going insane.(loved it) I live cheap and eat cheap."

Me: "Has the virus affected your business?" Waste Management Recruiter: "No, trash don't stop."

Me. "What's the best thing about Myrtle Beach?" Him: "The education, I have eight kids."

"I just showed up everyday and did more and more work.  Before long I was doing more than my boss so they fired him and gave me the job"

"My wedding was postponed in July and now is scheduled for January 1. However, it is not looking promising to have over 200 people there.  We will get married that day, but if we have to we will reschedule the reception for July."

"I have two old Atari games that are worth $2,500 each."

"It's a sad day today, we have to go home."

"Myrtle Beach was our fiftieth vacation destination this time."

"Lot's of people don't know the difference between age 50 and 59." Me: "9 years?"

"Myrtle Beach is cleaner than Miami."

"Myrtle Beach is cleaner than Atlanta."

"I met him on a business trip and he decided to stick around."

"We've stayed at a lot of different places and we really enjoyed the Plantation in North Myrtle Beach."

"We both didn't like Captain Georges Buffet, but it's probably the best buffet I've ever been to."

"I can lift 400 pounds after many years of lifting granite and heavy things. I have co-workers who can't believe how strong I am." (35 years old)

"Bowlers hate each other, especially the good, young guys."

Mom: "I have an eleven and nine year old. It feels like I gave birth yesterday." Me: "If it was, you had a really long day."

"They make the virus sound like your skin is going to bubble up."

"I was married 7 1/2 years-I'm not going to do that again."

Printer: "They've been saying that the internet was going to kill our business for a decade now and it hasn't.  I stopped reading what we print a long time ago, as long as the money is green, I'm good."

"My Grandfather always told us that he brought my Mom and Aunt to Disney World and Disneyland several times, but when he got to Disney World he said he had never been there."

"I was coming down here to golf with 12 other guys, but 11 did not come.  The one guy who I came with got bit by a copperhead and he's on crutches, so I'm playing myself."

"In my city Minneapols, the damage to the city is going to cost taxpayers 250 million dollars.  Half of the restaurants will not open again. I'm thinking of moving."(30 year old male)

Technical Analyst for an Intelligence Agency: "There won't be antidote for this virus this winter. If we don't change what we're doing we may wind up with 300,000 deaths."

ICU Nurse: "The virus is not dominating my life."

"If we're careful the virus allows us to do new things."

"A lot of workers here just want to hang out and go to the beach-I wind up doing their work."

Female rider from Chicago: "I just graduated with a degree in law enforcement and I want to go into gang investigations-think it's thrilling."

Bartender: "I've been a bartender my whole life."(6 years and she's still in her twenties)

"His Mom(referring to the baby's Mom and his wife) didn't think she could get pregnant, it was like a miracle birth."

Bus driver in New York City: "There's no charge so riders don't come near the drivers."

"Getting married in Disney World really was magical. The best part was having about 70 family and friends with us."

(7am in Surfside my rider watched me approach Ocean Boulevard. Suddenly two cyclists stopped riding and literally stopped in front of my rider and waved me ahead) The rider said, "he's picking me up." (If the cyclists were secret service they could not have protected him from me any better)

"Our hospital in Boston had 450 virus patients a few months ago and we're now down to 20."

"I'm just going to lay on the beach with some fruity drinks that have an umbrella in them."

"Captain Georges Buffet is more elegant than the Calabash Buffets."

"One small children's hospital in Cleveland announced that due to the virus they lost $40 million in two months earlier this year."

Bartender: "I once had some young kids throw up in the bathroom.  I told them they were kicked out of the bar, but first they had to clean up the bathroom and they did it."

As I opened my trunk with dozens of small Wal-Mart bags full of food after the mom went shopping for the family of six from Minnesota, the husband said, "that had to cost at least $50." (It cost $300)

"We really roughed it here playing 100 holes in three days. My back hurts."

Him: "If they say that the decision to have an abortion is about your body, why wouldn't the decision to wear a mask be about your body?" Me: "Don't even think about putting that on social media."

Talking to a big New England Patriot fan from Boston about the Giants beating the Patriots in The Super Bowl to destroy their undefeated season, she said, "do we have to talk about that game?"  "Yes," I said.

"Goodbye Mr. No-Fro." Rider's comment after I told him I was given the nickname Jeff-fro-no-fro last year by a rider.

"As a server sometimes people give you crap."

"I chose to go to the University of Hawaii because they have one of the top cheer leading  programs in the country."

"I hated being an accountant. I bought a dialysis center with a client and now I own 36 Autism centers in seven states."

"My wife and two small children were in a golf cart and were hit by a woman in a car who missed the stop sign. My kids will be okay, but my wife shattered her ankle."