FINAL 2021 FAVORITE RIDER COMMENTS LIST

Two years ago, after my first full year of driving for Uber and Lyft I wanted to do something for my riders for the holidays.  I had been entertaining them with stories and comments from other riders and so I made a list of my favorite comments of the year and gave it out around the holidays into January. The positive reaction I got made me write up a new list for 2020 and I gave it out to many riders the whole year long.

The below comments have been entertaining me and my riders throughout 2021 and this list will be given to hundreds of riders over the next year.  Some of the comments are extremely funny, some are extremely strange and some are both.  None of these comments below were made under the influence of alcohol. I rarely drive at night and only occasionally have a rider who has had too much.     

Thank you to all my riders who made this a great year, especially the riders who made this list.

                                MY FAVORITE RIDER COMMENTS OF 2021

"Older man, "I've been married 51 years, my wife says she's been married 61 years because I've made it seem ten years longer."                                 

She said, "Paula Dean has killed more people with her recipes than anyone."

She said, "I'm a terrible driver, but I'm very good at parallel parking.  My Dad says I should stay parallel parked."

The middle aged woman got in my car and less than a minute later I said, "What do you do for a living?" Her: "I'm a whore.... and a message therapist."(joking)

Truck driver from Dallas, Texas: "I tell people that my marriage has lasted 12 years for three reasons: 1. I married my best friend. 2. I know that she's really trying to kill me slowly and I'm not going to make it easy for her.  3. She can leave anytime she wants, but I'm going to go with her."

"My friend knew of a woman who spelled her name Kmnop. She pronounced her name, "Noel", because in the spelling of her name there is no "L".

I told her about my male rider who said at 6 am, "I haven't gone to sleep, I hope you're not a narc." The woman laughed, snorted three times and said, "Sorry, I'm so embarrassed I snorted, but not like the guy did in your story."

Young woman: "I had a male Uber driver who spent the whole 25 minute trip telling me about his Beanie Baby collection.  It was painful.  I nearly jumped out of the car."

Young woman: "I sell shots in a strip club." Me: "Do you get a lot of tips?"  Her: "Oh yeah, I get tipped up the ass." 

Female sales rep: "I was speaking with three sisters from N.Y. and a male colleague was teasing me, one sister leaned over and whispered, "if you need him to be taken care of, I know someone."

He bought me a Gatorade because, "it's important to hydrate." Me: "After I drop you off I'm going to de-hydrate at a gas station." Him: Well, I live on a dirt road and you can de-hydrate all you want there."

Me: "How are you managing the 70-30% ratio of girls to guys at The College Of Charleston?" Him: "It's the best thing in life.  The girls are making us smarter."

"In Minnesota you're nice to your neighbors because if you're not, they'll freeze and die and you might be the next one to go."                                  

Woman: "My grandmother used to say that red lipstick was for whores."

Woman in her late 20's: "I've lived in 63 cities in my life." (military family)

Me: "When the Ravenel bridge was built in Charleston, what was it supposed to look like?" (the answer is two sailboats) The woman in the boating business was not drinking, looked at the bridge and said, "a bra?" 

Female: "I first saw my husband when his picture was in my company newsletter. I told my parents and friends I was going to marry him. When we were dating for two months I said to him, "I don't know what you're doing the rest of your life, but I'm going to marry you." He said, "I'm going to marry you."

Female professor: "When you go to Hall's Chophouse they hug and kiss you-it's the most action I get all month."

Young woman: "I like corny jokes so I got a tattoo, that says "corn" and it's just above my knee." Me: "It says corn?" Her: "Let me show you." Me: "I'm driving, wait till I stop." She does have "CORN" above her knee.(corn-knee)

Him: "You should do Uber at the border, you won't have to travel far.  You can call yourself, "Sunshine Coyote." ( my business name is The Sunshine Man.)

"If you promise not to mug me, I can show you something," She is an employee of The Kansas City Chiefs and showed me her Super Bowl Ring and let me to take a picture of it on my finger. The ring is worth $70,000 now.

Woman in her 20's: "The COVID vaccine is the only vaccine I've ever had. My boyfriend convinced me to get it due to my health. When I was a child my Mom didn't believe in vaccines and she worked in a doctor's office and forged all the paperwork for vaccines."

I picked up an older woman at Outback Steakhouse who looked like Mrs. Doubtfire and she had a large bag of leftovers.  Me: "Don't tell me about your great dinner, I have another hour before I go home to eat." Her: "That's too bad I have a lot of extra delicious ribs that I could share and I love to lick my fingers." Me: "Thanks for not telling me about your delicious meal." Her: "I do have a mean streak."

If I Have To Bribe Ford to Build My Car, How Much Would It Take?

My conversation a week ago with my sales rep at Ford was not a fun conversation.  Eight months ago I gave them $1,000 to build my car.  It's the first time I've ever ordered a car.  The computer chip shortage has delayed my car and after eight months I don't know when they are going to build it.  I told the sales rep that I have no faith that Ford will be able to build it, despite the fact they are building my same vehicle and sending them to dealerships that do not have a buyer yet.

This car is not a fancy car, but it is obviously orange.(a tribute to my Dad who I lost early in the year.  It was his favorite color)  My sales rep told me there is nothing they can do, but wait until they are ready to make it.  I told him that if I needed to bribe someone I will and he laughed.  When the conversation ended, I reminded him to let someone know I am willing to bribe them to build the car and I was serious.

The question is: how much would I be willing to bribe or give someone some incentive? My Ford Transit is approaching 250,000 miles and I use it only on the weekends for Ubering. Would I pay $500? Yes, I would? $1,000? I think I would, but I'm not sure I would go higher than that.

This past weekend I decided I was tired of waiting and I would find a silver Ford Transit and have it painted.  Would it cost a lot more? Yes, but eight months is too long.  Monday morning I was looking online to find dealerships with the car and my sales rep called me.  They have a serial number for my orange car and they are starting to make it January 12th!

When they finish making it they will have an estimated delivery date which will probably be March or April.  I need my current car to last about 10,000 more miles, can it make it to 260,000 miles? We'll see, but the big news is: ORANGE CAR COMING!

Odin's First Christmas

 

When you have kids you notice right away that they not only look like you, but they have certain characteristics that you or your spouse have.  When our first child was born my first comment I believe was, "she has your nose." Over the years and still today we can look at our kids and see ourselves in how they act, what they do, and of course in how they look.

It's harder to explain how a dog can pick up characteristics from their owner.  Below is a picture of Odin sitting and waiting for food next to my wife's chair at the dinner table.  He looks a lot like me in the next picture when I am doing the same thing waiting to be fed.

Christmas was pretty quiet for us.  My wife made a big roast and I got the one drumstick.  The drumstick was being eyed-by my wife that is and I had to cut off a piece for her. What surprised me even more on Christmas was when Odin came to me and told me that he wrote some "songs." I've been writing songs since college and obviously his attempt to write is not as good as mine.  He actually wrote two verses from two different songs.  It's not bad, but I had to explain to him that he has to actually write one whole song and that one verse is not a song.  Who knows, maybe he'll be writing songs about being a dog on a regular basis?

"Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"

He sees you when you're eating, 

He knows when you get more,

He's circling around your chair,

And he's licking up the floor.

"Here Comes Santa Claus"

Here comes Odin, Here come Odin,

Right down Accord Lane.

He's looking for people, looking for dogs,

To him it's just the same.

Odin's First Birthday

Sometimes I feel like I'm writing a dog blog, but it's difficult to pass up on our dog's first birthday.  For anyone new, we got Odin from a breeder and he is a cockapoo, a mixture of cocker spaniel and poodle. Today, he is one year old, but I really have a problem with how birthdays are counted.

It's his first birthday, but what happened a year ago? It was his birth day, but not his birthday? How can we celebrate his first birthday, when he really had one last year which was a lot more important?  I'm 61 years old and I've been around 62 days that were August 19th.  I'm probably the only one with this hang-up.

How is a dog's birthday different than a child's birthday? We didn't have any decorations up and it's one of the only birthday's I've been to that I didn't have a piece of cake or two or three.  Below are two pictures of Odin and you can see the cake on the floor, which I think a lot of children would like to do with their cake.  Also, take note that he is wearing a birthday scarf(my wife said it was) and a pin that says, "birthday boy." (I'm not sure I buy that one either)

Did he get to pick his favorite meal? No, not happening. My wife made my favorite meal, a big chicken roaster.  Odin did get a big plate of it, but I got all the bones and that's the way it's always going to be. 

Finally, Odin got his haircut at the groomer, he got a lot of hair cut.  She took a birthday picture that she staged and he looks like something you would see in the window of a store.  I don't think he looks real in this picture.  But the cake, I think that was real. I wonder what it would taste like?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ODIN!

 

"Angels Go To Heaven and Devils Go To Hell" (not religious)

 I know you're disappointed. What could be more perfect than a religious blog the week of Christmas? Sorry, you'll have to look elsewhere. I attempt to be funny and comment on unusual things that I experience or learn here in the South.  This comment though is not a "southern thing," but it may be helpful to someone in the future.

My wife knows an incredible amount of stuff that I have never heard of.  Frequently, it sounds like she made it up, but she hasn't. I've been hobbling around this weekend with a bad knee and I told her taking the step into the porch is even a little difficult.  Her response was, "Angels Go To Heaven and Devils Go To Hell." 

I had to ask her two different times to explain this, but she learned this in physical therapy. If you're stepping down you use the bad foot first, but if you're stepping up you use the good foot first.  Bad foot (down towards hell) and good foot (up towards heaven). You probably understood that immediately, but it took me a little longer to get it. 

I've tried it out a few times and I think it's a little better, but now I have another problem.  Every time I go to step down into my porch, I think of hell. What do I do now?

A Weekend Off At Home

I don't take too many weekends off from "Ubering" and when I do, we either have company or we're traveling. Last month, I decided to take this weekend off to give my car a rest.  I'm still trying to preserve my "Uber vehicle" a little bit longer so Ford can get my car to me.

I had no plans and since I am nursing a sore knee, I was literally going nowhere.  Picture this: I am sitting on my screened porch reading a book with my water bottle by my side.  I'm looking out at a pond and blue sky with clouds and the temperature is 72 degrees on December 18th. I am wearing one white compression sock and one black one and I'm icing my knee.  Below is the view I had all afternoon.

After spending most of the afternoon reading and icing in this position, my wife asks the magic question: "Do you want to go out to dinner?" I wanted to say, "do I look like the kind of guy who wants to go out to eat tonight?" I held my tongue and threw a better question back to her, "where would you like to go?"  The answer of course was "nowhere."  We have this routine where she wants me to pick the place, but she almost always doesn't want to go there.  After I pick twice, I say, "where would you like to go?" And, typically that's the place we go.

This time I had an advantage since I was icing my knee.  I asked if she wanted to get something to bring in and she said yes and my first suggestion was: pizza.  It's not one of my favorite foods, but she said okay and we had pizza at our own table.

Why can't it be that easy all the time?

Clothes Is NOT My Thing

 My last blog about latex stockings has turned into something funnier than by blog.  I had several riders this weekend ask for my blog address and I can't imagine what they were thinking when they saw the title, "I've Often Wanted to Wear Latex."  To top it off, I had at least one or two family members who were confused about the blog.

However, I am the one who is most confused, because, clothes are really not my thing. Below is a picture of the nylon stocking which has latex on the top inside of the stocking and LACE on the top outside of the stocking.  I didn't know one from the other until my wife pointed it out to me.

The woman in the pharmacy was asking if the lace would bother me, since I guess men don't wear lace. Just to clear this up, I am wearing a stocking that has lace and latex and I couldn't care less about either one. The big question is, will the stockings help my legs?

I've Often Wanted To Wear Latex

 Not really, just looking for an easy laugh. Truthfully, I've never wanted to wear latex and I wasn't even sure what latex looked like. However, this blog will not have any pictures, because I am actually wearing some latex as I write this.

I've been having some trouble with my legs and my doctor believes that wearing long compression socks will solve my problem.  After contacting a few medical supply places without success, I found one I could get them at.  My wife and I went there and they measured me and brought the socks to the register.

That's where the latex comes in.  The cashier noticed that the only pair they had in stock had some latex at the very top of it.  I said it was fine, because no one was going to see me wearing them, certainly not the very top of my legs.

Arriving home I struggled, but managed to put on these very thin compression socks. The latex part wasn't a problem, but on the second day I actually put one of them on inside out, which explains why they kept sliding down under my sweatpants. 

I don't know how long I'm going to be wearing latex, but don't tell anyone-it's just between you and me.

Why Are Toilets So Short?

 After blogging about eating a lot of turkey it seemed very natural to write about toilets.  It's something you probably don't think a lot about, but I have asked this question many times, "why are toilets so short?" When you walk into a hotel room and go to use the bathroom, it seems to me that you really need to bend down a long way. (if you're sitting down) I know that you start shrinking as you get older, but, do the toilets shrink too?

Most toilets are 15-17" high and comfort toilets are 17-19" high.  The second picture is one that is 23 inches high.  You can see the difference, but why aren't there more 23 inch high toilets?  Some people say it's because the larger ones cost more. (close to $300) Others say it's more to clean, which is true, but it sounds ridiculous. Could a small child get on the second one? I'm not sure, but I know there are a lot of people who would prefer not be so close to the ground.  It's easier to sit down and to get up with a taller toilet.

Why are toilets so short? It has been said that we used to be shorter many years ago and there are countries where people are shorter than they are here. If you can make a tall toilet that is inexpensive, you may have a great business opportunity and make a lot of people very happy.  If not, just knowing that a tall toilet is available may make a lot of difference to you, or, you might just find the whole subject amusing. What do you get someone for the holidays who has everything? Why not a tall toilet?

"comfort height" or "right height" toilets feature bowls that are 17 to 19 inches high,

only a tall person or one with difficulty sitting considers a toilet low. A child on the other hand would not think it is low at all. Toilets designed for handicap use are slightly taller. If they were made much taller, think of how much more you would have to clean.

omfort height” toilet that is 17 to 19 inches in height or elevated toilet seats.Apr 21, 2017

Toilet height is measured from the floor to the top of the seat. Heights vary enough to be noticeable. Most often, they fall somewhere between 15” and 19”, with standard toilets coming in under 17”. However, chair height toilets, what Kohler refers to as Comfort Height® toilets, measure 17” or more.

"Not A Sanitary Experience"

I have to give credit to my oldest daughter who came up with this title over the holidays. I'd give her full credit by saying her name, but she says that I shouldn't use anyone's real name on my blog, so her name is not Karen.

If you haven't had enough of turkey, I have one final post about eating at Thanksgiving.  I don't think I can ever have too much turkey and I did have more than my fair share. Some people like white meat and some people like dark meat or they like to make turkey sandwiches with the leftovers or even turkey salad.  

Of course I'm a little different and I love to eat the carcass after I've finished all the bones.  If you haven't tried this, you don't know what you're missing: First the bones: in the below picture the plate to the left is a little deceiving. You can't see the second large drumstick, but I assure you it was just as good as the first drumstick.

The carcass is usually the day after meal.  When you look at this next picture you can not tell how much meat is still on that carcass, but it was a full meal.  First, I had to pull it apart into about 4 pieces.  This is when it is "not a sanitary experience." (but, it's a delicious one)  There was some turkey flying and I'm not sure if I got it all.  Fortunately, there were three dogs in the house, so you know it was cleaned up.

Finally, the gnawing begins. It goes on and on and on. My goal is to get every last piece, because every bite is a good one.  I absolutely loved eating this and the big dog in the house was watching me for a few minutes and I know he was jealous.

So next year at Thanksgiving, be different and eat a carcass. (I did not eat the actual bones)

Odin's Second Vacation: What I Learned (Part 2)

 LEAVES ARE LIKE PEOPLE TOO

Odin always runs towards people, but you should have seen him go after the leaves. Walking out of the hotel one morning, we walked over to the grass area and he got excited.  The wind was blowing a lot of leaves all over and Odin started chasing them every possible direction. Of course, I was chasing them too, as he dragged me around. At least people don't run away from him as the leaves do.

DOG POOP SMELLS BAD ALL THE TIME

There's just no good time to do it, but the worst time has to be early in the morning.  I haven't eaten anything, no orange juice, and I'm getting my first breath of fresh air. It's not fresh for long. Fortunately, I don't do this very often early in the morning.  I think I have to start taking a deep breath first until I've put the bag away.

YOU DON'T NEED A BELT ON THANKSGIVING WEEK

There was one thing I forgot to bring on the trip, but fortunately, I ate enough that it wasn't necessary. I also had a nice pair of sweatpants which came in handy. Below is some of the Turkey I ate.

TWO ROOMS ARE BETTER THAN ONE

When we arrived at our hotel my wife didn't like the room for a few reasons. We got another room which was much better and it was right next door. While I was moving everything into the second room, my wife realized that there wasn't enough toilet paper or tissues in the second room and we still had access to the first room.  Maybe starting with two rooms at the beginning is the way to go?

DRIVING NEAR WASHINGTON DC

Do they intentionally set-up accidents in the area just to slow down some of the cars? There are always accidents or slowdowns around 50 miles in either direction of Washington and we had them both ways on this trip. Is there a more dangerous stretch of road in the country? 

"THE TRAFFIC IS GETTING WORSE"

I've been following a GPS or Google map directions for a very long time and most of the time they are very good. On a long trip on Rt. 95 the directions will adjust when some of those accidents happen and they give you a choice of what direction to take.  On the way to Pennsylvania, after many slowdowns, suddenly the voice said, "the traffic is getting worse."  I have never heard those words before.  Ironically, that is when the traffic finally cleared up.  I wonder if I'll ever hear that again.

Odin's Second Vacation: What I Learned (Part 1)

Our dog's second vacation took him back to the Hershey, Pennsylvania area and we made three stops in New Jersey to visit family over eight days.  Some observations I made and things I learned on the trip:

DOGS CAN REALLY SLEEP: We learned on the first trip to send him day care the day before we leave and it worked perfectly. He probably slept 15-18 hours in a 24 hour time period and once the car engine started, he was fading away just like a baby does in the car. He was a great traveling dog and slept most of the time on the journey home which was longer with the stops in New Jersey. Maybe it's just the car that knocks him out?

DOGS LIKE SINGING JUST LIKE BABIES DO: Odin definitely loves to have his belly rubbed and I sing him a short, little, song that he definitely recognizes.  It goes like this: "Odin loves his belly rubbed, his belly rubbed, his belly rubbed. Odin loves his belly rubbed-rub, rub, rub." I don't know why other people think it's funny, maybe it's just cute. I do have another one that I sing on the days he sees me in the morning. (Monday-Thursday) "Good morning, good morning, and how are you today. Good morning, good morning, it's gonna be a great day." I don't think I made that one up, but I sing it. What if all the songs I've written were just so I could sing to Odin? 

DOGS ARE LIKE FIRE ENGINE SIRENS: I don't know about you, but when I hear a fire engine coming while I'm driving, I definitely have anxiety. I don't know where it's coming from, but that awful experience is now worse. On the way home, two fire engines passed us and Odin started howling-in my ear of course. That will cause anyone a lot of anxiety. When a dog does that, they actually think it's another dog in the area and they are signaling them that they are here. How big does the dog have to be to sound that loud? I'm thinking "Jurassic Park" type dog? The dog doing the howling is also having anxiety, but I had more of it-in my ear.

DOGS CAN REALLY PEE: I had this thought on the trip, who pees more? My wife, my dog, or me?  I know when I take a trip with my wife, we are going to be hitting some rests stops on a regular basis. I've also noticed sometimes in the men's room, there are guys who are peeing from the time I step into the rest room until the time I leave. I always wonder, when was the last time they peed, or how big is their bladder? Odin, pees a lot differently.  He goes and then stops and then restarts it a few minutes later. Then, he stops it and a few minutes later, he does it again. I'm pretty sure my wife and I can't do that, so I think Odin wins the peeing contest, but I'm just guessing. I have not measured anything.

IF YOU LET A DOG PULL YOU, YOU CAN SAVE ON GAS: With gas prices as high as they are, there are a lot of ways to save money.  I have yet to hear anyone suggest using your dog. When Odin sees a person anywhere, he starts pulling me on the leash towards that person.  At one rest stop there was an older woman with a walker heading toward the building.  I managed to turn Odin in a different direction, but I really wonder, how many miles down the road could he have taken me?

Below is a picture of Odin with his girlfriends in the neighborhood. When he sees them, he starts towards them and usually winds up hopping like a rabbit.  The girls start yelling his name and then roll on the ground with him. (maybe they think he's famous?)