There Is Humor In Almost Everything

Some things are really too private to blog about, but there are some things that are way too funny not to blog about.  To blog or not to blog? If I didn't have this story in writing I think I would regret it the rest of my life and at the same time, I know my kids maybe decades from now will be able to say, "do you remember the time he blogged about his colonoscopy?" Just knowing that one day they will say that means that I have to do it.

There really is humor in almost everything and I'm going to prove it, whether you like it or not. Monday morning I woke up with a sore neck.  I slept funny for a couple hours in a chair, but it wasn't giving me a lot of discomfort.  The day before old men get colonoscopies is prep day where they just starve you and empty you completely out.  I did this the last time on a Super Bowl Sunday which is not the best day to starve yourself.

Tuesday morning, I woke up and my neck hurt, but I couldn't take anything for the pain.  I went to the hospital tired, weak, and in pain. I told the nurse about my neck pain and she adjusted the top part of the bed.  She put it up and down and then said, "which is better?" I replied, "either one is better than going up and down." My wife and my nurse traded their health histories as if they were on a game show to see who has had more health problems in their life. Unfortunately, it was probably a draw.  I said to the nurse at that point, "I'm not sure I'm mentally prepared for this now. Are they going to knock me out soon?" My wife and nurse were really bonding. The nurse said my doctor would never be doing her colonoscopy, because, "he's like a brother and he's too cute and young to see my butt." My wife, who had this doctor before, told her, "that's no problem for me."

They did knock me out and I woke up to find that my visit went from amusing to hilarious. (results were pretty good with only one polyp) The nurse said to me, "you'll be all ready to go when we're sure your colon is working. You just have to let all the gas out." My wife and I started laughing and she explained to the nurse that, "he doesn't fart in front of people." This has been a running joke in our family for maybe 20 years and the nurse said, "I'll get out of here."

My wife started texting our three kids and this is how it went:

Wife: "the nurses are telling him he needs to fart, "and Dad says, "we may be here for awhile."

First child to reply-Child 1: "Did they tell him how?? He might need instructions." 

Child 2: "Oh my gosh. He doesn't understand how." (probably true)

Wife: "It's too funny. Like he can't leave until he farts." 

Child 1: "Oh my god. Can't wait for the blog post." Several emoji's had big smiles and tears which were similar to what was on my face and my wife's face.

Child 2: "This is too funny and doesn't seem real." (It was real, but not spectacular)

Wife: Comment from me: "I feel a blog coming on, but not a fart." (The phrase, "I feel a blog coming is common in our family)  

Child 3: "This definitely makes my day. Dad, please don't blog about this." (not sorry)

Wife: "I'm crying, he hasn't done it." 

Child 3: "He doesn't even know what a fart feels like." (not true)

Child 1: "Y'all be there all day." (she's not southern)

Child 2: "If it's on the toilet it doesn't count." (it would have in this case)

Child 1: "Wish I could lend him one.  I've been farting all morning!" (way too much info)

Child 3: "This conversation is everything. Do the nurses think it's unusual that he can't," (Don't tell me what I can't do!) 

Wife: "Dad said it's not happening." 

Child  2: "I'll throw one his way." (thoughtful) 

They did allow me to go home shortly after that. My text in the car was, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks. Going home to practice and eat."  While I was eating, I ran into the bathroom to take the below picture. Who would ever think a colonoscopy could be so much fun? Did I succeed in my mission? It's really too private a subject to talk about.