He: "What's the number one responsibility of a father? Teach your kids how to throw-up, so they get to the toilet."
He: "I was born in Japan on a military base. My parents had to sue the emperor to keep me. At the time all children born in the country belonged to the state."
I asked the college students who were not drinking if they had anything funny for my blog. She: "I'm an old man in disguise. I'm really 82 years old. My name is Bob-it's short for Bobby. I worked for Kroger for fifty years and never got a raise. The spirit of the old man will always be in this car."
The man from Haiti, "In my country, women always come first. If you want to make love, she has to start it."
He: "I've been married four years. I met my wife on September 26th and we married on October 5th." (10 days later) We knew we were right for each other. She was perfect."
He was almost 81 years old and I asked, "How are you in such great shape?" He said, "Cheerios, I used to eat the colored ones when I was young." He meant Fruit Loops.
How did the New York couple meet? She: "He chased me for five years." He: "I was at the dentist office getting a needle and she was the head nurse. I told her I wasn't comfortable and asked her to hold my hand. I took three extra needles so she could hold my hand longer. I would have taken 25 more for her to be with me the rest of my life."
His friend is a Cleveland Browns fan and told him, "When I die I want six pallbearers who are Cleveland Browns players, so they can let me down one more time."
They were talking about the great lunch special at Outback Steakhouse. Me: "You have to stop, I'm going to have cottage cheese for lunch today." He said, "It's about time you went on a diet. You're pushing the weight limit in this car."
She: "When I was eight years old, my dad was a nursing administrator. For two years I worked nine hours a day, five days a week, doing some inventory and payroll." Me: "Did you get paid anything?" She: "God, no."
She calls her southern boyfriend, "Southern Charm." Bringing him to New York for the first time, the former New Yorker gave him advice for LaGuardia Airport: "Don't look at anyone, don't smile, follow me, keep your head down and do not pet the police dog. Pick up the pace, if you can't, go in front of me and I'll move you."
I told the college student from Atlanta that I spread sunshine in my car and my business name is, "The Sunshine Man." She said, "What happens when you're in a bad mood, do they you call you rain cloud?"
I asked the enthusiastic woman who had just opened a restaurant, "How are you today?" She: "If I was any better, I'd be you. I'm as smooth as cream cheese on a bagel. I got up this morning and I didn't pee in my bed; it's a good day."
"I was a category five screw-up. No one thought I would make it to 30, I had to change my life. I decided to walk for four days to Charleston, South Carolina and start over." (He changed his life.)
The 27-year-old guy said, "In college, I made $100,000 in affiliate marketing and then I decided to be a rapper."
He: "Do you have anything against shooting deer? I shoot them while I sit on my toilet (Going to the bathroom) with a bow and arrow. I've only killed one so far."
I grabbed the large and heavy suitcase and said, "You didn't take furniture from the hotel, did you?" Her friend said, "It's a body," and she added, "It's just the pieces."
She said her ex-husband sold her dog. She: "His name was Thor." Me: "Your ex-husband's name was Thor?" She: "No, his name was, "Piece of s _ _ _." (Cheated on her)
"My uncle went goose hunting in Maryland and found Terry Bradshaw's Super Bowl Ring. He called him and was told that he hadn't lost one of them. The ring was legit and a few years later, Bradshaw was on The Tonight Show saying he lost a Super Bowl Ring. My uncle still has it."
She: "When I saw you had a transit van, I wondered if you had a stripper pole."
How did you two meet?" He laughed, "We met at McDonalds where she was working. She was in high school and I was in college. The first time I saw her she took my breath away, and it's the only time in my life everything slowed down like a movie. The first thing I said to her was, "I'm going to marry you." (Married 38 years)
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