How Witty Was That?

Some people are just very clever and very funny, but in an unusual way.  Here are some comedians and others with some of their best lines for your amusement.  I was amused.

BETTY WHITE: "I've always liked older men.  There's just more attractive to me. Of course at my age, there aren't that many of them left."

OSCAR WILDE: "I have the most simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best."

ELIZABETH TAYLOR: "I reckon that some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses.

MARK TWAIN: "Always do right. This will gratify some people and surprise others.

STEPHEN FRY: "You don't have to remind my of my age, I have a bladder to do that for me."

WINSTON CHURCHILL: "I am ready to meet my maker.  Whether my maker is prepared for the great ideal of meeting me is another matter."

GORE VIDAL: "The United States was founded by the brightest people in the country-and we haven't seen them since."

JOAN RIVERS: "I wish I had a twin so I could see what I look like without plastic surgery."

MAE WEST: "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." 

Where is Elmo?

How does a small child get attached to a stuffed animal or a doll? Our eighteen month old grand daughter's favorite by far is Elmo.  She walks around with him and is constantly looking for him. The question frequently is, "Where is Elmo?" 

He is everywhere and in case you don't know who is Elmo is, he's the red one waving to us in a crowd of animals and dolls.

How old is Elmo and where did you come from? He is a "fictional" character on "Sesame Street" today since 2012 when he came to life. He was first used in 1979.  He is actually 3 1/2 years old all the time and celebrates his birthday on February 3rd. He has been the star of two movies and has appeared on many television shows over the years and had a very popular Tickle Me Elmo doll in 1996.

Sometimes it is difficult to find Elmo and recently my granddaughter and I searched several rooms without finding him.  I was sitting in the kitchen and looked downstairs to another room and this is what I found.  He did not have a heart attack.

Sometimes Elmo dresses up and thinks he's on a television show in the house.

He has a different way of shopping because he just jumps in the cart.

Elmo is going to be doing very important work for our granddaughter in the near future and I think it's about time he did something valuable.

If you think it's difficult getting diaper on a baby, it's a different kind of difficult putting a diaper on Elmo as you can see from this picture.

Frequently when I'm babysitting Elmo is just hanging around looking very innocent, but my granddaughter absolutely loves him. After her mom and dad and my wife, I'm just slightly ahead of.... Elmo.

Would You Take A Polar Plunge?

You have probably seen on TV or pictures of people running into freezing temperatures and you may have asked yourself, WHY?   Would you do it one day? People have been doing it across the country since 1902 and I don't think anyone has died from doing it, but it is cold.  It originally started in Boston, Massachusetts many years after The Boston Tea Party.

The above picture is from last year in San Francisco.  It's not just a couple of people. Studies have shown that there are benefits and risks to doing this.  Here are some of the benefits you could have on your future plunge: regular plunges can make your body more resilient and give you a psychological boost also. On days you plunge you can feel more confident, have lower anxiety, and get better sleep.

I had to laugh reading what happens when you go into these kind of temperatures. Tell me if you were thinking the same thing I was when I read this: "You feel Zen, you feel every part of your body, you're aware of your breathing, you forget about everything else." How about these comments, "Your heart rate goes through the roof, your blood pressure goes through the roof, you have trouble breathing."

Maybe I would try it in a cold bath tub, maybe not?  Something to consider if you ever want to do it, it can be beneficial, or your body could be close to going into shock. I'll leave it up to you.

Changing A Filter

If you're going to change a filter you might want to change the water filter on your refrigerator or maybe your coffee filter.  When I heard that the air filter in our crawl space needs to be changed every three months, it did not sound exciting.  However, this may make an entertaining blog.

I know our kids have changed the filter a couple times, but it was time for me to experience this exciting household moment. Below is the steps leading down to somewhere in our closet.  

We were prepared.  I put on some dirty sweatpants and two knee pads.  My wife had a very soft, old blanket we would move across the luxurious floor pictured below.  We also had a small flashlight if we needed it. This is the new world that faced me below.

We were both going to go down because as usual, I had no clue what I was going to do.  My wife said I should bring my phone in case we couldn't make it up.  My wife's knees couldn't make it down, so it was my mission and I was going in blind.  I had my phone to communicate and she facetimed me. I was about to visit another world and I would have liked to have Scotty beam we down instead of climbing into it.

I didn't see anything that looked like a filter, but there was a latch somewhere in the above picture and inside was the dirty filter, pictured below, which I replaced.  It says "test" here, is that important?

The crawl space was bigger than I thought and I thought I was going to be crawling and hunched over, but it wasn't that bad.  Below, I am triumphantly coming up the stairs.  All that was missing was the banner behind me saying, "Mission Accomplished." Three more months and I'll be doing it all over again.

                                                        

TODAY'S THE DAY!

Imagine if you woke up every single day for 16 years and the first thing you said was, "Today's the day!" If you're living a normal life like most of us do and you're expecting good things to happen, would your life be better? You may be thinking, "That's ridiculous," but what if it really happened?

I read about the story of Mel Fisher years ago and just came across it again.  He was born in Indiana and served and survived the Normandy invasion and at age 31 he sold the chicken farm he owned. He was obsessed with shipwrecks and he became a pioneer in underwater exploration. He moved to Florida in the search of Spanish galleons that had sunk long ago off the Florida keys. (In 1622)

His main search began in 1969 for the Spanish galleon Nuestra Senora, which sunk in a hurricane where 260 people died and a large treasure of gold, silver, and emeralds were lost.  During his 8,000 days and 16 years of searching he lost family members who drowned, he went bankrupt, people thought he was crazy and he mortgaged his house 13 times.

In 1973 he found three silver bars that were from the sunken boat.  In 1975 his son found five bronze cannons with the ship markings.  In 1975 his son, wife, and another diver drowned, but he still woke up every day saying, "Today's the day."  

It was ten years exactly to the day of the horrific drowning, July 20, 1985, another son came over the radio and said, "Put away the charts, we found the pile."  The treasure was worth $450 million, the largest underwater discovery in modern times.  After many years of legal cases he was was awarded the treasure. The Mel Fisher Maritime Museum in Key West was opened to share the discovery with the world.

He died in 1988 at the age of 76.  His family continues to search for the remaining parts of the treasure, but Mel Fisher is celebrated for his optimism and determination through his museum.

Visiting Costco

Here's a riddle: When can you visit Costco and spend no money? You got it, my blog is here for you.

The Costco we go to is in the middle of nowhere and I have managed to go two different ways and miss the turn.  Next time I'm going find the right turn.

Walking into Costco recently I had only two thoughts: Let's get the rotisserie chicken and I'm ready to head back to the car. It's not that I'm overwhelmed, I just want to go in and get a few things and get out.

After five minutes I had the same thoughts and I wasn't near the chicken.  That's when I came up with the idea of "touring" Costco which would be more fun than actually shopping.  I did help my wife out by pushing the cart and I grabbed a couple things, but here's the FREE tour:

How cool is this pillow? What size bed do you have to have to use this pillow?

This is a pop-up sauna.  How often does it pop-up? What room do you put it in for it to pop up?

It's a cute dish my wife wanted to buy so I could use it as a drainer for fruit.  She said that when I just use a normal dish the dirty water stays on the fruit. Is that really a problem?

This special aroma thing looks very good and it's only $80 because it's on sale from $100.  How many do you want for your house?

Looking for new luggage? How about some Lego luggage? It's easy to put together.

If you're looking for a laugh, how about the Laughing Cow original wedges? I didn't eat any.

This Lumpia thing, wouldn't it sound better if it was Schlumpia? What a great name!

This oversized mat fit perfectly in our cart.  It's supposed to be put at our sliding door to go out to the back. When I checked that area there is an oversized piece of carpet.  The mat is now perpendicular to the carpet. Oh wait, it has now moved! It is on top of the oversized piece of carpet and it's smaller than the carpet. Sitting on top of it is our outdoor shoes for the backyard.

Some things are funny without comments. I did not eat any.

How hard did they work on coming up with this name? Dubai style, chocolate pistachio, almond milk latte.

As a diabetic I'm supposed to watch my sugar.  How long can I watch this sugar without a note from my doctor?

I'm not that big on veggies, but if it's called "Veggies Made Great", how bad could it be? I have had some since the visit and I have to admit, they were very good.

Driving home I told my wife sitting next to me, "I was pretty excited when I was pushing the cart and my fingers were sliding against the hot chicken bag." She only heard me say "hot chick.'  Visiting Costco was a fun adventure except it wasn't free for me.

My Favorite Rider Comments in February 2026

He: "When I moved from Albuquerque, New Mexico to Colorado it was like moving to Beverley Hills."

She: "Lovely was supposed to be my middle name, but my dad wrote it on the wrong line, so I'm Lovely."

The truck driver who was from Turkey and now living in Michigan asked me a question no one has ever asked: "How is life living in America?"

She: "I once worked at a gas station and my boss said this, "You know how you've heard the customer is always right, not here. They're 95% wrong. We have a whole drawer of lost car keys here."

She: "Our baby was only sleeping a couple hours each day so we had a sleep coach spend three days with us. Our baby is now 9 months old and she takes two 2-2 1/2 hour naps a day and sleeps from 6 pm to 7 am." I said, "She's sleeping almost 18 hours a day, you have a visiting toddler."

The young Texan was visiting New York City and he was lost. "I went up to a guy in a suit and asked him if he knew where I could get this train. He said, 'Figure it the F_ _ _ out yourself.  He was probably thinking this guy has the audacity to ask me a stupid question."

She's in grad school to be a therapist to "Pay forward," for all the help she received when she was younger.  I asked her how being half blind and half deaf she was able to head out to live in Alaska for three years.  She said, "My mom taught me that the universe looks out for you."

He is twenty-two: "I'm a daredevil. As a kid I would climb up on the roof of our house and jump off. I once had a bad fall on a skateboard and I still have a scar to remind me how stupid I was."

A drug addict for ten years I asked him how he became drug-free the last couple years. He said, "I got tired of doing something that was getting me nowhere."

She: "2025 was the worst year of my life, but I do have a perfect F'n six-year-old."

Talented musician of many instruments: "Talent is a quality you have to practice or you lose it."

He: "My uncle wrote a book that I published, "Meals to Die For."  He was a chef in prison who cooked the last meal for 189 inmates describing their requests and crimes. I'll send you a copy."

After fifteen minutes of silence she suddenly asked something no one has ever asked me, "Jeffrey, what do you think I should make for dinner?"

Me: "How did you decide to join the Air Force?" He: "I was a junior in college studying finance and one day I was running late through the student center and I saw a sign that said, 'Free lunch if you take our test.' I got the free lunch and took a test for the Air Force and they said they could get me wings to fly and I was with them for thirty years."

                                            MORE RIDER COMMENTS

I told her that I've had a lot of amazing people in my car and she said, "I don't know if I'm one of them."

I asked the young guy who does security checks at Wal-Mart, "Do you like your job?" He said, "I like it when it's easy."

She said, "Working in assisted living is the coolest job.  You get to hear people's stories, be part of their family and help them."

He: "I messed up in my twenties and didn't travel.  Now I'm in my thirties and I just got back from Japan.  It was my first plane ride and time in another country."

She used to live near the very famous Monterey Bay Aquarium in California and said, "They had a two year waiting list for divers who wanted to volunteer to clean the aquarium."

The app said his name was young, so I asked the young guy, "Is young your first name or your last name?" He said, "It's my middle name."

She pointed to a neighborhood near her neighborhood and said, "Years ago they found the bones of an eight hundred year old Cherokee Indian there."

He's a junior in college who wants to direct movies.  I asked him him what his three favorite movies were and he said, "Raiders of the Lost Ark," "The Dark Knight" and "Heat."

I asked the man from Iraq who has been in Colorado for ten years, "Do Uber drivers talk to you?" He said, "None of them talk to me, and I don't know why."  They don't know what they're missing.

She: "In my mom's condo they don't let you take your garbage out, you have to pay to have someone pick it up."

He: "My grandma taught me how to play the piano when I was four or five and then I learned how to play a violin next."

He: "We have a woman at Amazon who is 74 years old and she's doing physical work."

He: "I once paid $25 for beer at Coors Field."

She lived in a suburb in Pennsylvania and said, "I loved it there, the people were great."

Picking her up from the emergency room she said, "I accidentally cut my hand with a knife and there was blood everywhere."

                            COUNTRY #73 IN MY CAR

Special thanks to Alexis from Vancouver, Washington for the above bill from Vietnam.

UNIQUE JOBS

Surgical Athletic Trainer

Sand Allocator Coordinator for Fracking

I DROVE PEOPLE FROM THESE COUNTRIES:

Argentina, Nepal, South Sudan, Iraq, Mexico, Peru, China, El Salvador, The Congo.

WHAT THEY SAID ABOUT ME AND MY CAR:

"I love what you're doing, we need this."

"I'm enthused, my heart is fluttering. It's like a kid in a candy store."

"Thanks for lifting my spirits, I was in a shitty mood this morning."

"I truly enjoyed your car ride. It was like a museum on wheels. Most of all, I enjoyed your kind and joyous energy! I appreciate your curiosity for culture and people!

"This is a cool Uber, you're a cool dude."

"This is a great way to start our trip, I didn't expect this."

She said about my mannequin: "She's beautiful. She makes her statement-I'm here to stay."

"This was so much fun."

"Thank you for the conversation."

"This really is a museum."

"I'll remember this car, it's unique."

"You're not like any other Uber driver."

"Awesome car."

"I wish you safe travels and many beautiful memories with your passengers."

"I love what you're doing."

"I like you car it's pretty cool."

"This inspired me to keep traveling."

"You have a beautiful car."

"Everyone has a story."

"You should put a blindfold on your mannequin, please."

"You are awesome."

"Thanks for helping get my week off to a good start."

After the .8 miles ride she said, "You're of the best Uber drivers I've ever had."

She said about my mannequin: "She's beautiful. She makes her statement-I'm here to stay."