WHAT DID THEY SAY-A COURIER TALE

 Every once in a while you hear someone say something that surprises you.  It may be funny or strange or both, but rarely do you get to hear two things like that in one day. (unless of course you're an Uber driver) Today, was one of those days.  It was a long day and the weather was not very good, but we haven't had much rain lately.  These two comments though, made the day memorable.

Delivering to houses can be very difficult, finding the street and the house and sometimes even the front door, believe it or not.  I drove into a small neighborhood that had about a dozen small buildings that had maybe 4-5 condos or apartments lined up next to them.  I was delivering a box of food and it was the first time I was in that neighborhood.  The neighborhood had an address and it looked like each group of buildings had a number and each door had a letter.  The information I had was missing a building number and a door letter.  I called the customer and he called me back.  I told him I was in his neighborhood and asked, "where are you?" He replied immediately, "I'm outside, behind the pole." 

I probably laughed but told him he has to give me more information that that. I looked a distance to my right and saw a guy with a green shirt and sure enough it was him. How is it some people don't know how to give directions or the location they live? I have no idea, but he was behind a pole.

The second story happened when I pulled up to a medical building and got out of the car and started walking towards the front door.  There was a woman in the space next to me and she was standing outside the car. I thought she was going to ask me directions, but instead she said, "do you know how to shut off a car alarm?" I probably didn't, but I did pause and I noticed she was holding the car manual in her hand.  I told her the truth that I probably didn't, but then it dawned on me I did not hear an alarm. I asked her if her alarm had been on and she said, "it's on now." 

I leaned towards the car and heard nothing and then I realized there was a loud bird on top of the building making a lot of noise. I asked, "are you talking about the bird?" She thought the bird was her car alarm. My day may not have been the best day, but how about that woman? Could her car alarm actually sound like a bird?

April Rider Comments

 Male chef the day before Easter: "I wanted to cook rabbit for Easter, but several people said it would traumatize the kids."

Wife: "The first time he cooked for me he put Italian dressing in the pasta sauce. It was horrible, I threw up." Husband: "I didn't have enough sauce, it was delicious."

He bought me a Gatorade because, "it's important to hydrate." Me: "After I drop you off I'm going to de-hydrate at a gas station." Him: Well, I live on a dirt road and you can de-hydrate all you want there."

Female Air Force cadet: "My Dad started teaching me to fly when I was two years old.  There's a picture of me sitting on three pillows in a cockpit."

She: "I'm a Professional Stalker, working for the police to help track down information about suspects."

Wife: "When a waitress complimented me on my British accent, my husband said, "Try being married to her for 22 years. It's like nails on a chalkboard." (kidding)

Me: "I've given 5,000 rides in this car. Him:(with his girlfriend sitting next to him) I've given 5,000 rides too."

The last young guy got out of my car after they didn't find me amusing.  He said, "Don't tell no more jokes."

Wife: "When a man offered to help me carry out two cans of paint, my husband said, "she can handle it.  She had a baby come out sideways and had no problem."(not true)

Him: "I like assholes, we get along well."

Male: "If you make me laugh, I'm going to have to piss in your car."

"My loser-ass husband took me out on my birthday to my favorite restaurant in downtown Charleston and he didn't make reservations.  Then, he didn't give me a card or present and said he thought we were celebrating the next day." (He came through the next day)

Male: "My parents were dirt poor and at rice and tomatoes three nights a week.  My Dad started his own construction business and built a lot of things on Daniels Island and became a millionaire."

She: "I had an Uber driver who does stand-up comedy and he tries his material out in the car and gives you a card to come see his show.  He said he was famous, but I didn't think he was that funny."

Male broker: "When a girl hears I'm a broker they ask if I have a lot of money.  I tell them I'm not hurting, but the money isn't going to be spent on you sweetie."

Male: "The pandemic gave me a chance to change my way of life."

Male: "You can't talk English with a New Jersey accent in Europe and expect to be understood."

She: "I've had a couple drivers cancel me this week, can you see what they write about me?"

Resident of Daniel Island she said, "You need to sit your ass on Daniel Island, because no one can get a ride there."

Picking him and his friends up at a strip club he dropped his wedding ring near my car.  After a couple minutes he said, "I can't find it, it's okay." I started to get out of the car and said, "it may be okay now, but it won't be tomorrow." He found it.

She: "My Mom has told me many times-"I love you, but I don't always like you."

After telling her that a guy said that he thought the Ravenel Bridge looked like "The Golden Arches," she went off on him. She said, " what part of math do you not understand? The golden arches are round and the bridge shows two triangles!"

Her: "what changed my life and made me more positive was being in a terrible car accident. I broke both hips and it took me two years to recover while I was raising my autistic child."

Her: "I'm going to get my lips done. When I stop wearing my mask I want people to see something different."

Female Realtor: "You can kick these asshole people out of your car after a ride, I have to deal with them for months."

Female: "I was a civil engineer, but I didn't love it. I went back to school to be a nurse when I was 30 after watching nurses take care of my Dad after six brain surgeries."

Him: "All my old girlfriends are mad at me, because I've run through all their friends."

His last name was pronounced something like "Booberel" and he explained it by saying his parents made a lot of mistakes.  They were married at some point, but it all started in a KFC bathroom."

The sign in the back window of the car said, "Kids up in this bitch." I asked my female passenger what it meant and she said, "I think the driver is more confused than we are."

Picking her up at a sleazy hotel early in the morning she said, "Are the women approaching you?" Me: "Not yet."

I asked the professional auctioneer how he kept his voice fresh and his reply was simple-"whiskey."

She asked me, "Why are you living your best life?" Me: "For one, I'm married to an amazing woman for 37 years."

She: "I'm the Alpha Female."(a person in charge) "Pay me what I'm worth," she's told employers.

I worked five years on a Texas oil rig and it was very rewarding and I had a sense of accomplishment.  I once worked 42 straight hours until I needed a break."

Her favorite Red Sox player of all time was Jason Varitek, "because he was good looking." Her husband added, "she thought he had a great ass."

Die hard Red Sox fan said, "our son married a big Yankee fan and recently sent us a picture of the two of them after getting their COVID shot.  She was wearing a Yankee hat, but he sent a revised pick with the hat changed to a Red Sox hat."

She explained that, "Minnesota Friendly" is when you first say goodbye you're just telling people that you're going to leave, but you're not leaving yet." 

She: "I went to the orientation at law school and knew that I didn't have the enthusiasm that others did there, so I quit to become a teacher. Everyone told me not to become a teacher."

After telling him a number of Red Sox stories, the Red Sox fan said, "this is the best Uber ride I've ever had."

Male: "You should invest in my business, you're the kind of person who can invest."

Me: "What do you do in retirement?" Her: "I mess around a lot."

"My friend's son who is around 26 flew from Pennsylvania to Myrtle Beach to get his shot."

Me: "How did you learn how to fly?" Woman going into the Air Force: "Not on purpose.  I was sitting next to the pilot and my Dad asked if I wanted to fly. He gave me the basics and I did it for a few minutes."

As he handed me an $8 cash tip, the male Domino's driver said, "we delivery people need to stick together."

"You're the coolest person I ever met from New Jersey." (I might be the only one)

Male: "My Dad gave me a shovel when I was 12 years old and put me to work for a lot of years."

Male: "I spend a lot of money spoiling my friends. I already have plans to celebrate my 30th birthday in Vegas with them."

Female: "Thanks for the normal conversation, it's the only one I'll have today."

Me: "Have you ever seen a swing bridge?" Young woman: "You mean like the one in Indiana Jones?"

Pulling up at her workplace she hesitated and said, "Do I want to go in?"

Dallas Cowboy fan living in Texas: "I like the Giants too because their uniforms are blue."

Former New Yorker, he said, "Being down here now I don't know how I was raised in New York."

The two girls seemed to be a little annoyed that the guy had ordered an Uber about an hour early. I said, "I give you a lot of credit for planning ahead, it can be difficult getting a ride." His girlfriend said, "you don't have to hype him, he's his own hype-man."(in sales)

Indianapolis woman: "We just came from a dump of snow" and "I'll take Charleston over an NBA game every time." (Indiana is known for loving basketball)

Male cadet: "The Citadel makes you a better person and there are a lot of good people to hang around with.:

Male missing his phone Sunday- "It sounds like a Monday problem."

Oregon woman: "The food in Oregon is amazing, you can get anything you want and it's a high quality."

Portland woman: "The news media exaggerates everything. The rioting in Portland was only in a four block radius."

Female: "It really helped me growing up in a military family.  You never know what's going to happen so you have to be prepared."

"I was surprised that so many cadets at the Citadel don't have their driver license yet at 19-20 years old."

Me: "What does the Ravenel bridge look like to you?" Male: "The Golden Arches?"

Me: "During the long periods of time between sales presentations what do you all do?" She: "We stuff our faces with food."

Female bartender: "I'm so glad I got you to drive me."

She: "We sold 3,700 Easter items the day before Easter at the Dollar Store."

She: "I wear a lot of black, because I'm not into fashion."

Me: "You're very good at asking questions." Him: "That's the only way you get answers."

She: "The people in Pennsylvania are naturally pissed off."

Female bartender: "I told the guy that his girlfriend needed to go home and a few minutes later she started peeing on herself.  The clueless boyfriend tried to clean it up with a cup."

Vascular Surgeon: "We had around 90 COVID patients in our hospital and now we have in the single digits."

Dog trainer: "Dogs need structure and training first and then affection for the actions you want them to take."

Me: "Would you like a trivia question?" Her: "Is this like the cash car?"

When I told them how the horse carriage is directed through town, she said, "I can't even maneuver my car well."

Him: "Having love in my life is the very best thing."

Him: "I think I would have been very successful in Greek times."

The male Massachusetts Red Sox fan said, "I like the Yankees too because of their hats."

"We had a New Year's Eve in Indiana that was 60 degrees below zero."

She: "in between sales appointments we stuff our face with food.'

Male restaurant owner: "you don't want to be in the restaurant business when you're older, it's a tough business."

He told me that he has had a lot of different careers, but finally found that being a chef was the right one. I said, "that just means you're a man of many talents." He said, "I don't know about that." I said, "Let's debate it, I'll debate for you and you debate against you."

Courier Tales

 I was delivering a small refrigerator to a department in a hospital.  The supervisor wasn't in so I told the nurse who I know, "tell your boss that there's a rule that when you deliver a refrigerator to someone, the next time the delivery person comes back there needs to be a piece of chocolate cake waiting inside of it.  She laughed and said she would tell her boss.  A week or two later I  delivered to the same department and I saw the supervisor.  Before I could say a word, she was smiling(looking at her eyes). I asked about the chocolate cake and she laughed and said, "I don't have any, but I have some cheese." Cheese just doesn't cut it in this situation.

The woman I deliver to who checked out my shorts not to long ago, I've been teasing her each time I make a delivery to her. Today, was different.  I said to her, "I'm wearing my red, Santa Claus shorts today just for you. I watched her eyes and they did not move, she refused to look at my shorts.  I started laughing and said, "you're not even going to take a peek?" She was laughing too, but I think she looked when I walked away.

Greg Norman is a famous golfer and he has a very fancy steak house in North Myrtle Beach.  It's called Greg Norman's Australian Grille and I deliver office products to their office.  The office is located outside the restaurant and up two flights of stairs.  They consistently order a couple boxes of paper, one is 44 pounds and the other is 66 pounds. Carrying them up the stairs one at a time is difficult, but I can still manage.  She did offer to have a young guy do it, but I'm still able to get it done.  The last time I was there she apologized and I made her laugh.  I said, "you know I'm probably the only person in the world who associates Greg Norman's restaurant with pain." To make her laugh more I told her the story below and showed her the picture too.

Delivering to houses and condos and townhouses is usually difficult, but when there's no elevator for the condo, it becomes a little ridiculous. Sometime last year, this customer ordered four very small boxes of paper and I walked them up the four flights to her door.  They weren't heavy and I was very grateful they weren't the larger ones.  I wasn't so lucky this past month.  It was my last stop and I had three, 44 pound boxes and a large box.  I called her on the phone and asked, "did they put in an elevator yet?"  She said, "I'm so sorry.  Can you bring them up to my door?" She wasn't home and I made the four trips.  About half way done, I started to laugh. When I finished, I sat down on the ground next to the paper and made an exhausted face and took a selfie.  I sent it to her and said, "Don't feel badly."  She replied and clearly enjoyed it.

THERE'S A RUN ON COCOA KRISPIES!

 I don't want to alarm you, but this is a serious thing.  My favorite cereal in the morning is Cocoa Krispies, and I'm not the only one.  A few weeks ago I got a text from my wife who was at a Wal-Mart and they had no Cocoa Krispies.  I was "bone dry" and needed some for the next day.  Fortunately, I was about to deliver to another Wal-Mart, but they had none either.  Later in the afternoon I was delivering to another Wal-Mart and they had no Cocoa Krispies.  

I could not believe it! People are hoarding Cocoa Krispies? I understand toilet paper and paper towels, but why do they have to pick my favorite cereal? Have you looked at the cereal aisle? There are hundreds of cereals, where are my Cocoa Krispies?

Fortunately, I did find three boxes on a bottom shelf hidden between hundreds of cereals. I left two boxes for the next lucky consumer.  I went to the register and said to the cashier, "did you know there's a shortage of Cocoa Krispies? Don't tell anyone! He repeated it a little louder than I did and I looked around to make sure no one heard him.

As you can see from below, my selfie with my cereal.  It's very difficult to take a selfie with three boxes of cereal. I may be the only one who has ever done it, but it's not easy.  Don't tell anyone, but I have two boxes hidden in the house in case I run short again. And, I do recommend you use milk and not orange juice, although orange is a really nice color.

April Rider Stories

 THE CHARACTER: I'm sure that this guy has been called a lot of things, but he was very entertaining  and interesting to talk to.  He's a successful broker at 29 and told me that his parents were so poor, "they ate rice and tomatoes three nights a week." His Dad started a construction company and built many places in Daniel Island(near Charleston) and became a millionaire. He said, "I spend a lot of money spoiling my friends. When a girl hears I'm a broker they ask if I have a lot of money.  I tell them I'm not hurting, but the money isn't going to be spent on you sweetie."  He's planning a big bash for his 30th birthday next year with his friends in Las Vegas.  He loves what he does as a broker and was very sincere in wanting to help people.  On the other hand he said, "all my old girlfriends are mad at me, because I've run through all their friends."  He had a Jekyll and Hyde personality, but what a personality.

THE PROFESSIONAL STALKER AND THE AUCTIONEER: This is not your typical Disney movie or ordinary couple.  The wife said she was a "professional stalker", who works for the police department tracking down information on people of interest.  She recently had an "Uber training" where she learned how to track someone through the rides they've taken.  Her husband is an auctioneer, who auctions up a wide range of things, working for someone and as an independent contractor.  I asked him how he kept his voice fresh and he answered, "whiskey." Two people in professions that you rarely hear about and they were fun to talk with also.

THE ASPIRING NURSE: You have to be impressed when a thirty year-old woman gives up a career as a civil engineer to go back to school to be a nurse.  She told me she didn't love what she was doing and made the change, "after watching nurses take care of my Dad after six brain surgeries."  I told her she would be successful in her new career, because she was passionate about it and that would give her an advantage.

THE OTHER SEAN: I picked the server up and could not help but like him.  He had the same name as my son and spelled it the right way too.  Much to my surprise he had just moved from Pennsylvania and lived in the same city as my son.  When I told him my son had just bought a house in another town, that's where this guy had worked.  To top it off, last year was a terrific year for him as it was for my son.  He said, "the pandemic gave me a chance to change my way of life." He needed to start over and get more sunshine and he's enjoying Myrtle Beach and his new job after moving here last summer.  He was only two years older than my son-I couldn't help but like him.

THE ALPHA FEMALE: It was very unfortunate that I only had her in my car for about ten minutes, but she had an incredible story. "What changed my life and made me more positive was being in a terrible car accident. I broke both hips and it took me two years to recover while I was raising my autistic child." She was extremely positive and friendly and she looked about twenty years younger than around fifty.  She worked at a hotel and was definitely a natural for the front desk.  Right now she has a bidding war going on for her services.  She also works in the post office, but she will make the switch as soon as she gets the right offer.  "I tell them, pay me what I'm worth."  I'd hire her and pay as much as I could to keep her, she was delightful to talk to.

THE REALTOR: She did get in my car sipping some wine, but when I asked her where she lived, she got it wrong.  She said, "Charlotte", but then changed it to "Charleston." When I asked her where she was going, she didn't know that either, since her friend had set it up to celebrate her birthday at Top Golf.  I gave her a hard time and she was a good sport about it.  I said, "you don't know where you live or where you are going, how do you sell houses?"  She said to me, " You can kick these asshole people out of your car after a ride, I have to deal with them for months."  She was mad at her husband because he thought they were celebrating her birthday the day after it was and she got no present or card on her birthday.  He made up for it the next day.  She was definitely fun to talk to and she was celebrating her birthday.

The Passing of The Salami

 Let's face it, friends do weird stuff together.  When you visit someone's house for the first time it is customary to bring something, cookies, donuts, cake or a salami.  Sure, it's sounds odd, but why not bring a salami? When my friend Larry visited with his wife, he was carrying a small cooler.  My first thought was that he brought some beer for me(ha ha) or it was a heart that he was keeping cold? I was hoping he wasn't going to show that off. He did once where hospital scrubs visiting me in the hospital and I almost burst my stitches seeing that.

Larry remembered that I could not find a salami when I was in New Jersey which was one of my my favorite foods that I haven't been able to eat to celebrate my 60th birthday last year.  (I may only have two things left, gefilte fish and a Carvel flying Saucer-what a combo)

This salami was special.  Larry didn't just drive it down from New Jersey.  He drove from New Jersey down to Charleston, South Carolina and the salami spent a few days in Charleston before heading north to Myrtle Beach.

I rewarded the salami by cutting a few slices to eat at dinner and then making a great salami sandwich for the next day.  I love it, it was amazing.  Larry, who has a way with words, said, "I was hoping the salami would have lasted longer." Are you kidding? I could have eaten it all for dinner.

Below is the picture of Larry passing the salami to me, I'm going to have to find one on my next trip to bring home, or I could eat it on the way!

Gifting The Hygienist

 Let's face it, if you go back to your dentist the day after your appointment and you have no appointment and no problem, it's pretty odd.  I deliver to dentist offices, but I was going back with a few gifts in a gift bag.  Since I was going to the dentist, I was compelled to brush and floss first.  I knew I wasn't taking off my mask and I wasn't leaving the waiting room, but I couldn't help it.  I was grinning from ear to ear as I walked into the office and told the receptionist why I was there.

"TY" came out a few minutes later and you could tell she was excited to see what I brought.  I reached into the bag and pulled out a plastic bag that had as an extra "treat", my favorite rider comments of 2020.  We had talked about that and she is going to get some good laughs out of it.  Then, she pulled out the box of thin mints. There was only one sleeve, because there's no way I'm giving her two sleeves of my favorite cookies. She said, "I've never gotten a gift like this." I told her she shouldn't show it to her boss or eat it in the office. I was thinking, what a great way to keep your teeth healthier-give your hygienist half of your cookies!

She asked if I had made the lettering on the notebook and of course I did.  She said, "I can't wait to show my fiancee. He thinks he's funnier than I am."  I told her, "all men think that." Sometimes they are funnier, but there's no way her fiancee is funnier than she is, I don't think it 's possible.

I told her that when I return in six months I will add another blog(this one) to her notebook and each time I visit I'll add another one. I have to ask her what her fiancee said, how were the cookies, and did she enjoy reading the blogs and of course how was the wedding!  And, next time I go, I'm going to take notes in the chair when she's working on my mouth!