How Many Tissues Do You Use?

My wife and I were shopping in Costco last week and she had to buy tissues.  She picked up this large box with ten smaller boxes of tissues and put it in the cart. I started pushing the cart and looked at the tissues and it said there were 230 tissues in each box.  Below is the picture of the box which looks distorted on top-they are all the same size. (The picture was taken in our garage, which has a box of tissues in it on the right side of the boxes!)

I'm looking at the box in our shopping cart and I'm thinking, we just bought 2,300 tissues.  How long does it take two people and a puppy to go through 2,300 tissues? I have seen our puppy somehow grab a used tissue from a garbage can, but I'm pretty sure he's not pulling them out of the bag. That would be an impressive trick to teach him, wouldn't it?  How many tissues does my wife use? I think it's safe to say that she uses more than me.

For the past week, I counted the tissues I used and I used 7 tissues, one a day on average.  This means that if it was just me, I would finish these tissues if I started today, by August 30th 2028. Let's say my wife uses twice the tissues I use on an average day, (14) when would we run out of tissues? May 16, 2024, which is only two years away. (not counting days we are not home, but I think we take tissues with us?) Could the two of us be using more than 21 tissues a week? If so, we may have to buy more tissues in 2023.

I thought about taking inventory and checking out how many tissues we have in the house today, but I decided against it. I am not sure I can find all the tissue boxes we have. It may be awhile before the grand opening of the Costco tissue boxes, but I'll let you know.  For anyone out there who is concerned that we still don't have a single television in our house, don't worry, we have plenty of tissues.

The next time you grab a tissue, ask yourself, how many do I use a day?

The Shoe Math Problem

You've heard math problems similar to this: if a train is taking off at 1 pm and it has 50 people and it makes two stops and lets off 5 people each time, how many people will be having dinner on the train that night and how many will be ordering chicken? Well, it's something like that. 

I have a different math problem with shoes.  If you leave Myrtle Beach with two pairs of shoes and you head to New Jersey, how do you return a few days later with three pairs of shoes and only one of them is one of the two you left Myrtle Beach with?

I had some dress shoes and a sneaker-type pair of shoes for our trip. We stayed a couple nights at our daughter's place and on Saturday night, I packed the sneaker-type shoe and wore my dress shoes.  Later on Sunday, I discovered that I grabbed my daughter's old sneakers and left my sneakers in New Jersey.

I didn't want to drive eight more hours in dress shoes, because they weren't that comfortable.  My wife had a slip-on pair shoes that she said I should try on.  Being as smart as I am, I sat down to slip on the shoes and they didn't go on. However, my wife said I should stand up and slip them on and it worked.

Arriving back in Myrtle Beach, I was wearing my wife's shoes, carrying my daughter's shoes, and my old dress shoes were packed in my suitcase.  So, that's how I wound up with three pairs of shoes and only one was mine. And, I have no idea how many people ate chicken on that train, but that Sunday night I did eat chicken wearing dress shoes, or was I wearing my wife's shoes?  Below is the high fashion shoes with dress socks that I drove home in and my wife's shoes.

 

The Mall is Dead

You have probably heard about the trend across the country that malls are dying. Recently, I got a close look at the Phillipsburg Mall in western New Jersey in the town of Phillipsburg where I lived for 19 years.  The mall is officially closed with only one store remaining, Kohls.  In front of the mall, the Friendly's has closed and what's left is a Starbucks, Chick-fil-A, and a Panera Bread.

I took a walk on a Saturday morning through the large parking lot to get some bagels at Panera Bread.  Below is a picture of what I saw with a former Golds Gym in the background. Walking around the mall it was eerily quiet.  There were more trees than you would ever remember being there and of course there were no cars.  The bus that used to take people to New York was no longer stopping there.

There was some life in the parking lot, obviously me.  I also heard the birds chirping and I did get a picture of one bird that had parked itself in the lot temporarily, but legally.

As I walked around the back of the mall I saw the back fence and found an old bicycle that isn't visible in the picture, but it was all the way in the back right in the middle.  You can't even see the fence, but it's there.  It's a pretty good picture of a silhouette of some silly guy taking pictures of nothing.

It was a nice walk anyway and I couldn't help but think of one of the best Beatle songs, "In My Life." A lot of things happened in this mall for a lot of people and someday this area will make new memories.  It was sad, but I have a memory of this mall that is pretty unique.

                                                                In My Life

There are places I'll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some have gone and some remain

All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I've loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more

In my life I love you more

"That's Why You're So Sick"

That is not a comment from one of my riders, although you could say my mother-in-law was riding in my vehicle when I took her food shopping.  I have been taking her food shopping every few weeks for a few years now.  If you haven't taken your mother-in-law food shopping, I recommend it.  I'd go as far to say, if you don't have a mother-in-law, you should see if you can borrow one.

When I left to pick her up today, my wife said, "I'd say have fun, but...." I told her I always can find things to laugh about. I've posted about my food shopping adventures with her before. She buys all these vegetable and I have to put these tree branches and awful looking things in plastic bags for her to eat later. I don't have to worry about being hungry when I go, because there's no way I'm eating any of that.

Today, my mother-in-law warned me that she was in a "teaching frame of mind." We started with the red onions, which she wanted me to pick out.  I reminded her that I don't eat red onions and wouldn't know a good one from a bad one. She explained not to buy bagged ones( that's where they hide the bad ones) and to examine each one closely.

She educated me that the honey or vinegar (does it matter which one), sometimes is mixed from different countries and that is not good to eat.  But, when she got to the maple syrup, that is when she hit the jackpot and really made me laugh.  She pointed to one brand that was pure syrup without sugar and then she pointed to the "evil" one and said, "this one has sugar in it and that's why you're so sick."

If I had been drinking water I certainly would have spit up right on her.  Instead, I laughed out loud, when to the other side of the aisle and continued laughing.  Two things came to mind: 1. If the maple syrup with sugar really caused you to be sick, how much syrup would you have to have to get sick? If you had a dozen pancakes a day soaked in syrup and did that for a few months, would you really be sick or just overweight? If you drank the syrup from the bottle, how many bottles would it take for someone to be really sick?

2. I'm more than 20 years younger than she is. I am pushing her in a wheelchair and pulling a shopping cart through Wal-Mart, how sick could I be? I drive, she doesn't and I drive over 1,000 miles a week.  I'm not going to go into her health problems, but other than a knee that is "bone on bone", eating too much food regularly, and some high cholesterol, I'm pretty healthy for almost 62 years old. 

She did give me a very good laugh today and I just wanted warn all of you-beware of the maple syrup! The below syrup is 64 ounces for $47 and it's organic too. How sick is that?

Two Sloppy Joe Sandwiches

There are two different kinds of sloppy joe sandwiches and it's very important that you know which one I am talking about.  Most of the world, I believe, recognizes the sloppy joe in the picture below which consists of ground beef, onions, tomato sauce or ketchup, Worcestershire sauce and it is on a hamburger bun.

The other sloppy joe is found mostly in the northeast, more in New Jersey and is referred to as "The Jewish Sloppy Joe." The below picture is a triple decker deli sandwich with coleslaw and Russian dressing and swiss cheese and it's on usually three slices of rye bread. The most popular meats are turkey and roast beef and corned beef, but what's in the sandwich varies depending on the deli.

I am referring to the second sloppy joe pictured directly above this, it is absolutely delicious.  If you didn't know, the legend of this sandwich began in the 1930's in a bar in Cuba.  I am not making this up.  The bar's name in Havana is called "Sloppy Joe's," and they had a sandwich that was recreated in New Jersey and has been a big seller since then.  One deli in New Jersey has the map pictured below which shows all the places they have shipped sloppy joe sandwiches to customers.

On Sunday, we had a small party in connection with my Dad's memorial and I ate some of these sandwiches.  I'm not going to say how many, but it was more than three and less than ten.  When it was time to leave, my sister insisted  that I take a couple of these sandwiches for the road and that's when the problem really began-when could I eat them?

I was full and I was thinking, I could just have a light dinner and eat them in a couple hours. However, my wife was hungry and she suggested Cracker Barrel and how could I pass up on southern fried chicken? The two sandwiches went into the hotel fridge and I went to sleep thinking, "when am I going to be able to eat them?"

I woke up around 4 am since we were going to get through Washington DC before rush hour.  I knew my wife was going to go to sleep.  If I slipped the sandwiches in the space inside the door I could eat them on the way.  However, they were in a plastic container which is too noisy and difficult to open while driving on the highway and they are messy to eat in the car.  I  chose the only option left-I ate them at 4 am.  After the first bite I knew I had to take a picture, so here it is. It's not the best picture, but I was in a hurry and it tasted soooooo good! 

My wife was in the bathroom and I finished by the time she got out. She said, "Don't forget about the food in the fridge." I said, "I didn't, I took care of it." When I got out of the bathroom she said, "Did you eat that?" By saying I took care of it, it tipped her off.  By the way, the top one was roast beef and turkey and the bottom one was corned beef and pastrami.  I'd highly recommend this as a breakfast food, I was good for hours.

A map above the register shows everywhere in the country Town Hall has shipped a sloppy joe.

What I Learned on My Phillipsburg, New Jersey Vacation

We lived in Phillipsburg for 19 years and I'm pretty sure no one goes there for a vacation.  My wife and I drove up there for a couple days for a small memorial for my Dad who we lost a year ago. Just being away from home seems to give me a number of  blog opportunities and the first one is some unusual things I learned in the past few days:

1. "Sir twitch a lot"- I thought my wife said he was a rapper(shows how much I learned a few days ago), but he's actually a hip hop dancer.  His real name is Stephen and supposedly he makes $1 million a year, so he can go by any name he wants.  My wife said that hip hop people or rappers comes up with unique names, I just though it sounded funny. He is featured on Ellen DeGeneres's show which is pretty impressive.

2. "YOLO" I tried to spell it "Yollo", but I had never heard that these initials mean, "You only live once." This apparently is used as an excuse for doing something instead of something you should have done, or doing something silly or somewhat dangerous. I have to remember this when my wife wants me to do something.  However, YOLO also is a song and an animated TV series for adults. Basically, you can say "Yolo" for anything at anytime.

3. "Neufchatel" I have to check with my wife, because I have no idea what I learned.  If you get rid of the "f" it's a city in Switzerland or chocolates. I don't remember any conversation about them. I'm back with the correct spelling: "Neufchatel" is really the correct spelling. It's a type of cheese that has less milk fat than cream cheese by 10% which makes it much healthier.  According to my wife it tastes great.(and it's less filling) The important thing is that it does taste good on bagels.

4. IMDb: I think this is my favorite one.  I couldn't even remember the initials, but it apparently makes things so much easier. As everyone else knows this stands for Internet Movie Data Base and it's been around since 1990. It's an online data base for everything you want to know about movies, television and videos.  Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon, bought this for $55 million, so this has to be something pretty significant.

I checked it out and looked up two of my favorite movies, "Heaven Can Wait" and "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad World." They had a short preview that I watched and I almost forgot I was writing a blog. Then, I googled each movie and found pretty much the same thing.  Isn't it easier just to look something up instead of trying to remember: IMDb? (I know you're saying no, but....)

NEXT BLOG: TWO VERY DELICIOUS SLOPPY JOE SANDWICHES-JEWISH STYLE

Most Memorable April Rider Comments

 Picking up the family of three from the beach I said, "I need to make sure none of your suits are wet." Woman: "They're not, do you want to check?"

Woman sitting next to her husband, "We've been married 25 years and every minute has been wonderful. We've very lucky. " Husband: "It's difficult for anyone to say, "every minute."

Me: "What do you do for work?" He told me what he did and said, "she's a Super Secret Squirrel. She's in logistics, but works for our government with top clearance to find and rescue things under water."

(On the phone) Me: "Where are you? Him: "We are across the street from a large Jewish-like candle thing. Me: "I got it, I'm Jewish and it's a menorah." His name was...Christian.

Explaining how he finally accepted that he was unique and not like most people, he said, "A good bowl of pasta has a lot of pasta that looks the same, but you have to have spice in that bowl." Me: "So you're the spice in a bowl of pasta?" Him: "Yes."

If you want to put someone down he said this was a mid-west saying, "May an elephant caress you with its toes."

Me: "How long have you been a marine biologist?" She: "Forever." Me: "Since birth?" Her: "Yes, I came out swimming."

She: "I was with my special needs son in a mall and a woman walked up to me and asked, "has he suffered seizures?" I said, "Yes", and she replied, "he's going to be alright, it will pass and then she walked away."

I asked the 20-year-old woman, "What kind of work do you do?" Her: "I'm a part-time traveler. Each month I take a 3-5 day vacation to a place I haven't been.  I want to be chef who travels the world. I'm in Culinary School now and I'm a waitress at Waffle House."

Him: "I'm training four astronauts in the Majove dessert in a couple weeks on how to get in and out of a 450 ft. crater to take samples."

Woman: "When I was young I wanted to be a mad scientist and next month I'm graduating as a scientist. When I was in Junior High School I was reading medical journals."

Her: "We have three kids, 22, 23 and 24." Me: "You certainly didn't fool around." Her: "We did, that's the problem." Husband, "It's not funny, it was expensive."

She's a very successful marketing executive: "I grew up in a cult and I was the first one to escape when I was 18. The hotel chain that hired me moved me to Hawaii far away from the cult.  Later, I was able to convince my parents to leave the cult."

When he made pizzas in the Virgin Islands, he would be asked why his pizza tasted so much better and he would say, "happy dudes make happy foods."

I spoke with a defense attorney about a topic I have never discussed in the car-the OJ trial in 1994. He said, "The defense created enough doubt to win the case, but he was guilty."

Marine biologist: "My parents let me watch scary movies when I was 4 like "The Shining" and "Jaws." I've always rooted for the shark." Me: "Why?" Her: "Because people were in its territory."

Telling another woman that the marine biologist was rooting for the shark in Jaws, she said, "I've always rooted for the shark?" (Is this common?)

Me: "What do you do for work?" She: "I put out fires with thimbles of water."

Jeffrey told me this, "When I was in college they thought it was funny to call everyone named Jeffrey, Jeffrey Dahmer."(the mass murderer)

Two young women: "We just climbed out of the first floor window, are boyfriends are on house arrest."

She said about coffee, "People enjoy the irony that coffee makes you go."

Him: "I use the name Spiderman. When I was in high school I weighed 90 pounds playing football.  My coach called me "Spider" because I was always knocking passes down."

Trying to say something clever that matched my orange car and sunshine signs, she said, "Aren't(orange) you glad you picked us up?"

Woman: "I'm a chaotic person, I attract chaos." Boyfriend: "I always bring calm and peace to a situation."

Woman: "I wrote a journal every day of my 48th year and I'd like to write a book about it. I survived a Typhoon near Guam with my cat in my bathroom for most of the night when winds were at 200 mph."

Young woman: "I've decided that I don't ever want kids, because I'm not a nurturing person.  I'm going to sell my eggs, so someone else can have kids."

Him: "I was a fitness trainer and body guard for a Kurdish Prince when I met a guy at a bar who said he would train me to sell corporate jets. I quit my regular job and have done very well selling jets."

She was from Kansas City. Looking at the picture of the Kansas City Super Bowl ring hanging in my car I told her how I put in on my finger. She excitedly said, "Shut Up!"

Groom: "My wife right now for our honeymoon are just going to an island for a couple days, she calls it a "mini-moon."

The difference between Minnesota and South Carolina is-it takes 12 minutes to get a cup of coffee here."

She: "I'm giving a presentation today in my college class on "people who like Jewish people for the wrong reasons."

Me: "What kind of work do you do?" Her: "I'm a traveling Dentist, I substitute in three different states when they need someone to fill in."

He explained, "The most important thing that young people should spend money on is experiences."

"My family believes that everyone has a purpose and the world has a plan for you."

The Chief Operating Officer for the United Negro Fund told me that they give out around one hundred million dollars in scholarships. "The last two years we have seen a significant increase in donations."

Male: "I was hypnotized on the telephone by someone who is helping me overcome my faults and it's helping me."

Woman: "If someone tried to pay me for doing a good deed I would say, "Don't block my blessing."

He said, "I know some people can function on five hours of sleep, but I am not one of those people."

Female tourist: "I didn't like anything about Charleston, I would never go back there or spend a dime-it's a racist city. My experience in Myrtle Beach was totally different, I would come back here."

As she got out of the car, the younger sister who had not said much during my great conversation with her sister, she made me laugh out loud when she said, "I'm a better human being after taking this ride."

12-year-old girl who grew up in Hawaii: "My friends and I were convinced that snow was made up by mainlanders to make us look bad in Hawaii. When I was 9, I was in New York and it started snowing and I ran out of the house yelling, "It's real, it's real." I sent messages to my friends in Hawaii, they thought I was lying."

She worked in a chocolate store and was excited that her roommate was moving out today and she would have privacy. Me: "Are you going to celebrate with your favorite chocolate?" Her: "I can't do that, I'm a fat person....but, of course I will." Returning her work ID lanyard an hour later, she laughingly told me, "it's your fault," and gave me a $10 tip."

Young woman: I moved to Denver two months ago and I was on business in Pensicola, Florida.  My flight was canceled to Orlando and I rented a car. I got the last one and there was a family going to Orlando so I drove them there. Their two daughters in their twenties were planning on moving to Denver." (Her sister lives in Denver. My daughter does too and she was stranded recently flying out of Orlando)

She: "Uber drivers are special because you have the opportunity to reach and touch people as they are going through life."

He: "I was visiting DC and I got an Uber and the driver recognized me.  We were friends almost thirty years ago in high school. We caught up and I've gotten together with him a couple times when I've been backed there."

"My last Uber driver was griping about picking up college kids.  He said, "they don't tip", I'm going home."

Her text message when I accepted her ride: "Please don't cancel." My response: "Relax, I don't cancel. I got you." She had two cancellations going to work and risked losing a bonus being late.

Young woman on wearing a mask: "I'll put it over my face.  I've never worn one. I don't believe in them, I think they are degrading."

The groom who got married last night said as he got out, "Someone left a $20 bill back here, it was me." Me: "Thank you, you know when you get married, you're supposed to get gifts not give them?" Him: "I got a lot of cash last night."

"When we finish expensive pools in Long Island, we send a group of 12 people out and pay them $1,500 for the day. They leave Northern NJ around 3 am and don't return until later in the evening."

He: "On the flight here to Myrtle Beach, I saw former NJ Governor Chris Christie and he took a picture with my daughter and I."

Young woman: "Last night I celebrated my birthday, but I was arrested and accused of being drunk."

Me to  two women: "Do you know the song "Taxi" by Harry Chapin?" Her: "No, but we might recognize it if we heard a few bars." 

The local realtor told me that the advantage that she has over some others is, "I grew up here and know the area better."

Getting out of the car the man almost shut the door on his wife.  She said, "He's trying to get me to stay with you."

Him: "I find it relaxing driving in LA. When I'm in traffic, it's "me time." I get a lot of things done in my car."

"I tried to rent a car before I got to Charleston, but they wanted $1,500 for five days."

As he got in he read my sign that says, "South Carolina law requires you wear a belt and a smile.  He said, "I like that. You see what you project."

Working at home ten hours a day on his computer he said, "I enjoy more of life now, I'm never going to work in an office again."

The Oncologist said, "Our cancer patients are more susceptible to COVID, but they've done very well with getting all the shots."

Oncologist: "Only 20% of patients respond well to treatment, but most of our treatments have changed through research in the past seven years."

The male designer from Los Angeles said, "Here's my card. When your book comes out let me know. I want to buy it."

ICU nurse for two years: "The hospital I worked in was was not kind to nurses."

She said, "If you're not aging, you're dead."

"My husband won't leave Montana, so I brought my Mom with me on vacation."

In Minnesota, we're not friendly waving at each other, we help change people's tires in a storm."

I asked the retired special agent for our government, "What agency did you work for?" Him: "It doesn't matter."

When I told the woman who works in a coffee shop that I just had the first cup of coffee in my life, she recommended this, "go to a coffee shoppe like mine with $20 and try a bunch of different coffees."

Getting out of the car, he said, "Sorry, we don't have a Super Bowl ring to show you."

"I keep telling my Dad who's 67 that he should retire, but he's told me that if he retires, he'll die."

"The widow of the guy who created the restaurant "Hooters", lives in Myrtle Beach."

Former Denver resident, "I hope your kids enjoy Denver as much as I did."

Political fundraiser: "Sometimes I think it would have been a better choice doing fundraising for a college or charity."

ICU nurse for two years: "The hospital I worked in was was not kind to nurses."

She said, "If you're not aging, you're dead."

Groom: "My wife right now for our honeymoon are just going to an island for a couple days, she calls it a "mini-moon."

"Spirit is now connecting Manchester, New Hampshire with Myrtle Beach.  We paid only $147 for a round trip ticket."

Him: "My brother and I both married Amy's, but mine is spelled Aimee."

Yankee fan to Red Sox fans, "We have the championships and you have Fenway."

Baseball fan: "My favorite player was Pete Rose because of his passion, he'll beat you any way."

The guy who invented the light on cell phones, rents two floors of the Marriott every year."

The woman said, "We saw the Beatles last night, I mean a cover band of the Beatles."

"My Dad bought a $100,000 Audi and a $500 Bronco ran into him at a light causing $30,000 damage."

Giving her a ride early morning, she said, "You're a lifesaver."

Getting out of the car she said, "Sorry we didn't have a Super Bowl ring to show you."

Getting out of the car she said, "Have the best day ever."

When I told the woman from Brooklyn that I was from New Jersey, she yelled, "cousins!" so loud it startled me.

She: "Your ministry of encouragement is important, because people need to be encouraged every day."

Woman: "That's the best Uber ride I've ever had."

He said, "That's one of the best Uber rides I've ever had."