She: "I worked for a guy who put an ad in the paper that said only, "I need a wife and his number." That's how he met his wife and they've been married a long time. The wife told me she, "wanted to see who had the guts to do that." I never understood what she saw in him."
Husband: "We met on a blind date. My friend insisted I go and I said I'd only go if it was "one and done." Wife: "I had a co-worker who told me one day that she had met my next husband." Him: "I was one and done, but not the way I thought."
My mom was talking to my 15-year-old son about being around when he has his own kids. My son said, "I can have kids right now."
I picked up two couples at 5:30 am from a closed bar. Me: "Closing down the bar?" Him: "No we were doing some landscaping." Two of the landscapers had to be helped into the car.
She: "When I went to Vegas I played slots for three days and lost $500." Me: "Did you at any time think to yourself-this really isn't working out?" Her: "Yes, on the third day."
Young guy in the Army: "My choice in high school was to get a factory job, sell drugs, or go into the military. I love it, I wouldn't change a thing."
I told the two guys here for a seminar from the Netherlands about the Bee convention that was once here and all the "Bee people" I Ubered. He said, "What bee gives milk?" His answer was: "Boobies."
Taking the mom and her 9 year-old daughter to Wonder Works at Broadway at the Beach, I saw it up ahead and said, "There it is, the upside down house. When you go in, you have to walk on your hands. The mom said, "Seriously?" Me: "No, I was trying to get a response out of your daughter."
She: "When my daughter moved to the south, her son's elementary school teacher tried to get her son to slow down and told him, "You have to slow your roll." My daughter told her, "Don't you tell my son to slow down."
Him: "I was six credits from graduating law school when my school lost its accreditation. I could not transfer most of my credits somewhere else, but they eliminated my loans. I decided not to be a lawyer. I'm a "bug identifier" or software engineer with Airnb."
I asked the tired construction manager, "What hotel are you building?" He said, "Let's keep that between us." He never said which one.
Northerner: "I was sitting in an airport in the south and this guy came over and stuck his hand out and introduced himself. The first thing I thought of, was I don't give a shit who you are and then I remembered I was in the south and I was the one with the problem."
Professor: "When I moved from Texas to Massachusetts I thought the people were cold, rude, and impersonal." Me: "Other than that, they were pretty nice? Him: "Yes."
She: "I bought a positive cube on Amazon which has something positive on all sides. When I come into work I toss it up in the air to see how the day is going to go."
Her: "My daughter started saying, "no" at nine months old and she never stopped."
Him: "You can't let chaos stop you from your goals."
The group of girls had not been drinking yet that morning when one saw the sign that said, "House of Jerky" and asked, "What kind of jerky is at that house?" After some laughing someone started to explain the comment to me and I had to say, "I was not born yesterday."
Woman: "My old man just got a job as a dishwasher in Isle of Palms. He's getting paid $150 a night under the table for about five hours of work. I want to get a job like that."
I told the couple that a southerner once told me that, "When you come down here from the North you have to be "Southazized." The man replied, "That sounds like becoming institutionalized up North."
Male: "I worked in the grocery business for 22 years. I started making $4 and hour bagging groceries and I finished making $65,000 a year. I'm the Kurt Warner of grocery stores." (football player who after a college career was stocking shelves in a supermarket and went on to win a Super Bowl)
She: "I lived in Dubai. When I first got there it was 120 degrees, I thought I was in hell."
On a bachelorette weekend, the girls had just become Shania Twain fans and were talking about "girl power." One in the back made her point by saying, "We're basic bitches, sir."
She: "We bought this expensive older house, because my husband wanted to gut it and rebuild it. He never gets anything so I went along with it and now I get a new kitchen."
Elementary school principal: "I had a parent who was upset that we had mental health services in the school. She said it was, "mental manipulation."
I asked the female college student what it's like having six brothers and sisters and she said, "As long as I get food, I'm okay."
Her: "We were trying to get our Mom a Mother's Day present in the store the other day, but we couldn't get rid of her, she kept following us."
The young couple said they were dating five years. Smiling I said to the guy, "You know five years is a good amount of time dating, some people would say it's time to pop the question." Before he could say anything she enthusiastically said, "Oh yeah."
I picked the mom and daughter up at the airport and they said they were both celebrating their 21st birthday. Me: "I'm going to have sing happy birthday to you." She: "You do whatever you need to do, let's get this party started." (I didn't)
Talking about favorite foods, I told the college student my favorite cereal was Cocoa Krispies. She: "What's Cocoa Krispies?" Me: "Do you know what Rice Krispies are, these are cocoa."
Admiring her hat which I thought was a New York Yankee hat, she said, "I'm really an LA fan, but I like the hat, it's a Gucci." Looking at the Gucci in big letters on the side and insignia I asked, "How much did that cost?" She: "$310. (She was going golfing)
She: "When I was a kid, my mom idolized Tom Jones. When he came on the TV, we all had to be quiet and we saw a different side of mom."
Him: "I was very close to my grandfather and a few years ago he passed away, but the service was at the same time as my big Lacrosse game. I went to the game and scored the winner with nine seconds left and I'm convinced he was there at that moment helping me."
18 Year Old: "I try to make things as comfortable as possible for the driver as I can. Everyone should be responsible when you're in someone else's car."
After I told her about my long distance Uber to Atlanta she said, "I think it would make for a great family comedy movie- an Uber cross country where you see how the relationship changes and at the end the Uber driver says, "I can't charge you, you're my best friend."
Male: "The problem I have with Doordash is that they want you to pretend that you know where these people live even when they have no address on their door."
Uber driver from Toronto: "We make some pretty good money with Uber Eats."
"We were out last night with a guy who makes a lot of money here in construction and headed back to his house in an Uber. He changed his mind and wanted to go to the Waffle House, but the Uber driver said no even after he offered to pay him $300. The Uber driver finally agreed and accepted $100. This guy then bought three hats people were wearing, for $20, $40, and the manager got $200 for her hat."
Him: "I used to work in a movie theatre here in Charleston and several times football great, "Dan Marino" would come in with his kids during the day in the middle of the week. He kept to himself and wanted his privacy. One day they came in to see the movie, "Bad Boyz 2", in which he had a cameo in. During the movie, one of his kids yelled out, "Hey Dad, there's you." After the movie a guy came up to me and said he just had something really weird happen. He was watching the movie and he heard the kid yell out when Dan Marino was on the screen, and he turned around and there was Dan Marino."
Sean: "I got my name in a funny way. My mom was pregnant in New York City and was walking one day and literally bumped into a complete stranger and she fell to the ground. The man helped her up and brushed her off, but was concerned when he saw she was pregnant. He offered to buy her lunch and during lunch she found out that his name was Sean and he was Jewish. She said, "I've never heard of someone Jewish named Sean, I'm going to name my son Sean." (he's not Jewish)
(not political) The retired Army guy said, "I'm not a fan of our President. I grew up in the same town in Delaware and my Dad bought a lemon from his Dad's dealership and would not refund him his money. Secondly, my brother dated his sister and he told me that he thought the whole family was crazy."
The 31 year-old male said he was, "in life insurance, but I don't like it." Me: "You can change careers, what do you like to do?" Him: "That's a really good question." Me: "I know that's why I asked." He had no answer so I said, "What are you really good at?" Him: "That's a really good question." Me: "That's your homework for tonight-it will help you find a new career."
Bringing her to a wedding I told "Ms. Enthusiasm" I was giving her my list of favorite rider comments from last year. Her reaction had me laughing way too much. Her: "Are you joking? This is the best day of my life-an Uber to remember." She didn't want to fold the list, because, "I'm going to frame it." I almost had to push her out of the car to go into the wedding because she wanted to read it immediately. I told her I was writing a book on my Uber adventures and she said, "NO WAY!" (She'll be in the book for sure)
Male security guard: "I order two bowls of pasta from Domino's every night for delivery. When I call, they know my name and my order and they have my card number too."
The Yankee fan said, "I had to choice for my birthday to go to Yankee Stadium or San Diego for the first time and I chose San Diego." Me: (laughing) "What kind of Yankee fan are you?"
She: "I'm a CPA in Colorado and two of my clients are Robert Wagner and Jill St. John."
Navy guy: "It surprised me that I signed up in the Navy. Maybe growing up around all the ships in San Diego influenced me."
Male rider early in the morning: "I apologize for not being nice."
Male: "My Dad watched Johnny Unitas in his life but believes Tom Brady is the best quaterback of all-time."
Picking up from a Yacht club-Him: "My AC and heating business did so well the last two years I can say that Covid bought that boat."
Male: "When I saw Dan Marino, of course he didn't have a Super Bowl ring on." (he never won one)
Guy in his early 40's: "I'm writing a self-help book for the younger generation."
Retired businessman: "I just published my autobiography, my first book, "Fulfilling Your Destiny," and it's available on Amazon."
I showed the female college student a picture of the Gucci hat and she said, "it's probably fake."
The 8 year-old girl asked, "Are we almost there?" Me: "Count to 5,000 in your head and we'll be there." Minutes later she said, "Are we almost there?" Me: How much did you count to? Her: "4,000." Me: "Keep counting we're almost there.
I asked her why her parents spelled her name, Princezz, with two z's at the end and she said, "I have no idea."
I asked the couple who work together running a construction business, "how is it working together?" She said, "it's not bad, we really get along very well."
She said, "I have a skewd mindset."
Male: "My Dad watched Johnny Unitas in his life but believes Tom Brady is the best quaterback of all-time."
Him: "My friend who owns a restaurant said that COVID was the the best thing that's ever happened to his restaurant. With his outdoor seating he's been able to get a whole new clientele."
Him: "I was going to University of Massachusetts in 1986 when the Mets beat the Red Sox in the World Series. After the 7th game right below my dorm was a major brawl that shutdown the school."
I asked the female college student, What difference did you find between Vermont and South Carolina?" Her: "The politics was very different."
Male: "I live in Galveston, Texas, five blocks from the Gulf of Mexico."
Woman: "We're not very interesting people."
She: "How come they don't that the little taxi golf carts like they do in Miami?"
Him: "My Mom had a dream and that's how she named me Jazierd and my twin sister, Jaziah."
Met fan: "I'm waiting for something to wrong."
Me: "How did you get into the Golf Resort business?" Him: "I was forced into it by my boss. He needed help and convinced me to work with him on his new venture."
Navy guy: "I'm a chef in the Navy, but they had to teach me how to cook."
Male: "I'd like to be able to finish my full-time job by 2 pm."
She: "My first name is Lalo and my last is Lane."
I asked her how the Phillies blew the big lead in the 9th inning. Me: "Was it their best reliever?" She: "They all suck."
Happy rider: "Does Uber know who you are-what you do?"
On back to back days riders said my wife was "gorgeous" and "beautiful."
Him: "That's the most enjoyable ride I've ever had."
Her: "I really needed to hear that from you today."
She: "You're the funnest Uber driver."
No comments:
Post a Comment